J9 etc.

how cool is THIS?

2012-01-26T15:26:00.000-08:00

You may not have any interest in a college bowl game from 75 years ago but I do!

What's this? Oh, that's right - it's footage of

my GRANDFATHER

from the SCU vs. LSU Sugar Bowl of 1937.

"Santa Clara took the lead on a 27-yard pass play from Falaschi to MANNY GOMEZ"

click and watch this 2 minute video.

http://www.scu.edu/scm/winter2012/1937.cfm

So awesome.

and a couple of photos:

my grandpa is on the bottom right with his face parallel to the camera

and here he is again on the bottom left - dark and handsome (he was Mexican)

Here's the article by Chuck Hildebrand:

On New Year’s Day 1937, a team from a little Jesuit school in the Santa Clara Valley stunned the sports world with an upset that won them the Sugar Bowl. And put their home on the map.

The 47 Santa Clara football players and their entourage weren’t sure what was in store at the other end of the line when their Southern Pacific Bronco Special pulled out of the Santa Clara train station the day after Christmas 1936. But they knew who they were and whence they had come: through a season that, by the end of November, was 7-0 and had them ranked fifth in the Associated Press college football poll, introduced that fall. They beat Stanford, Auburn, and rival St. Mary’s. And on Dec. 4, they accepted a bid to play No. 2-ranked Louisiana State University in the Sugar Bowl at New Orleans’ Tulane Stadium.

"There was no question we thought we could win the game ...
We were good, and we knew it."

It was virtually a home game for the Tigers; oddsmakers favored LSU 4-to-1. The LSU program had been a public plaything of Louisiana Gov. Huey Long before his assassination in 1935: He’d hired and fired coaches, involved himself in recruiting—even tried to dictate play calls. He devoted enormous state resources to strengthening the university. One result: The LSU line averaged 212 pounds—25 pounds more than Santa Clara’s.
The Broncos were virtually unknown in the football-loving East, Midwest, and South. An AP preview story on the eve of the Sugar Bowl included multiple references to the “Bronchos.” Most Santa Clara players came from first- or second-generation immigrant Bay Area families and regarded their football experiences as extensions of their working-class backgrounds. In the midst of the Depression, few of them could have considered college had it not been for their football skills. They played as if far more than the outcome of a game was at stake.
They also had Coach Buck Shaw. He drilled his men in “moving your feet, keeping your balance, things like that,” said center Phil Dougherty ’37.
They were smaller but faster.
“There was no question we thought we could win the game,” teammate Jesse Coffer ’37 said. “We were good, and we knew it.”

Game on

The teams took the already muddy field in a steady drizzle before a capacity crowd of 42,000 at Tulane Stadium. One surprise for the Broncos: While Huey Long and LSU football were deified in rural Louisiana, the Crescent City was still a Tulane town, and a large segment of the throng was there to jeer LSU and cheer for its opposition. Fans of sister Jesuit school Loyola University of New Orleans were on Santa Clara’s side, too.
At a time before unlimited substitution was allowed, Shaw predicated playing time mainly on defensive skills at three of the four backfield positions. But he had one generalist, Nello Falaschi ’37, who never left the field, and was both the face and the personality of the 1936 Broncos.
Falaschi returned the opening kickoff to the Bronco 41. Teams exchanged punts. A few minutes later, fullback Chuck Pavelko ’37 took a snap from center, feinted left, shook an LSU tackle, and ran 13 yards to the LSU 31. Two plays later, with the ball still on the 31, Pavelko took a snap, pretended to burrow into the line, raised up and flipped a lateral to Falaschi, who then hit wide-open halfback Manny Gomez ’37 with a touchdown pass that gave Santa Clara a 7-0 lead.

Relive the game: Watch the Broncos in the
1937 Sugar Bowl.

Meet the team: See historic photographs.

Not much later, back in possession on the LSU 30, Santa Clara went for broke on fourth-and-12: Bruno Pellegrini ’37 connected with end Norm Finney ’37, who was alone in the end zone. The Broncos were up 14-0. The crowd went wild. LSU landed one touchdown pass just before halftime to narrow LSU’s deficit to 14-7. With his team up, Shaw was concerned about his players being slowed by uniforms and boots now caked in mud. So he put in a call to Loyola.
“When we got to the dressing room,” Al Wolff ’38 recalled, “there were dozens of shoes sent over by Loyola, just scattered around the floor. The coaches said, ‘Find a pair that fits and put ’em on. Then we changed into our practice uniforms for the second half, and we were ready to play again.”
The defense took over in the second half. LSU managed only 44 rushing yards in the game, and went 25 game minutes without registering a first down during one stretch. A 35-yard interception return by Gomez gave Santa Clara the ball at the LSU 15 midway through the third quarter, and on first and goal from the 4, end Frank “Mississippi” Smith ’37 took a handoff on an end-around and scored to give Santa Clara a 21-7 lead. LSU scored on the second play of the fourth quarter but never seriously threatened to score again. The final score was 21-14.
The ride home was a festive one indeed—so much so that, celebrating along the way, a few of the players even spent a night in jail in Juárez.*
Seventy-five years later, there are only a few of the ’37 Sugar Bowl Broncos left. Chuck Pavelko, now 96, lives in Del Mar. Al Wolff, now 94, lives in Santa Barbara. Wolff sums up that era so: “Football put Santa Clara University on the map.”

* I would like to note that my grandfather was not on that train ride back - he fell gravely ill with tuberculosis after the game and stayed there in a sanitorium. He was so ill that when he was finally put back on a train to San Fransicsco weeks later, the SF Chronicle mistakenly wrote an obituary for him!

Opening night! and "Don't Carpe Diem"

2012-01-20T13:02:00.000-08:00

Yay, I'm back on the boards!
I have 2 short scenes in a production of Marvin's Room and I'm really excited to play for a sold out audience tonight. The theater is small but it's the perfect space for this intimate, deep and lovely show about life, family, love and death. Plus, my two characters seem to be written for comic relief, which suits me perfectly right now.
It's been a pretty light rehearsal process for me, which was key for me to be able to do it at all. It's taken me out of the dinner-bath-books-bedtime routine a few nights a week for the past month, which has been a welcome break. Andrew does just fine with the girls and I know it's good for us to share responsibilities and support one another's extra-curricular activities. It's vital, actually.
Plus, the girls know that I'm at rehearsal, doing what I love. That's huge, because I would like to get acting back into my bones consistently and forever, and this allows my daughters to start learning more about their mom as a person. (what a concept!) Sadie is excited to come visit the theater, even though she can't see the performance.

In other news, this article was shared with me on Facebook and I could not possibly agree with it more. It hits the nail on the head so completely, it's staggering. I love it. It's long, so I highlighted my favorite parts.

Glennon Melton
blogger, Momastery
Every time I'm out with my kids -- this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, "Oh, Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast."
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn't work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life - while I'm raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I'm not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I'm doing something wrong.

I think parenting young children (and old ones, I've heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they've heard there's magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it's hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.

And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers -- "ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN'T!" TRUST US!! IT'LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!" -- those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I'm not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: "Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast."

At that particular moment, Amma had arranged one of the new bras I was buying on top of her sweater and was sucking a lollipop that she must have found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn't find Chase anywhere, and Tish was grabbing the pen on the credit card swiper thing WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, "Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you."
That's not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if he loved writing, replied, "No. but I love having written." What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, "Are you sure? Are you sure you don't mean you love having parented?"
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I'm being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times -- G, if you can't handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?

That one always stings, and I don't think it's quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it's hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she's not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn't add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it's so hard means she IS doing it right...in her own way...and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It's a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don't ever feel the need to suggest that he's not doing it right, or that he's negative for noticing that it's hard, or that maybe he shouldn't even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he's ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: "This career stuff...it goes by so fast...ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!"

My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn't enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn't in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn't MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I'd wake up and the kids would be gone, and I'd be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here's what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
"It's helluva hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime." And hopefully, every once in a while, I'll add -- "Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up -- I'll have them bring your groceries out."

Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn't work for me. I can't even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.

Here's what does work for me:

There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It's regular time, it's one minute at a time, it's staring down the clock till bedtime time, it's ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it's four screaming minutes in time out time, it's two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

Then there's Kairos time. Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. It's those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.

Like when I actually stop what I'm doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can't hear her because all I can think is -- This is the first time I've really seen Tish all day, and my God -- she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I'm stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I'm haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I'm transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I'll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world's mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don't remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.

Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.

Good enough for me.

out with the old...

2011-12-31T18:27:00.000-08:00

Ah, New Year's Eve...
it used to be one of my favorite nights (excuses) to get all dolled up and go DO something.
This year it's just the same old-same old. I have done several loads of laundry, changed bedsheets, gone grocery shopping, tidied up the living room (x3) and have only just begun to think about taking Christmas down.

I cooked dinner for the girls and had to sit with them to make them finish their broccoli. Oh, how I miss the days they would willingly gobble up absolutely anything I served to them! I know they'll be back, but that's a tough one for me because seriously, all I want are healthy children. I guess I should just be glad that having Trader Joe's sparkling pomegranate juice with dinner was enough to put big grins on both of their faces and help them wash down the green stuff!

As I type, Andrew is finishing up the girls' quick blue bath (Santa brought bath water coloring tablets) and he will read a few books before a very early 7:30 bedtime. Lilah is having some serious sleep regression and we're hearing a lot of " I want milk, mama. All done sleeping now. I'm awake. Watch Charlie Brown. Watch Yo Gabba Gabba." at 2:15, 3:30, 4:25 AM lately. B R U T A L. Sadie will go down without a struggle. She's always been a sack rat and is still pretty in love with her 4 month old big girl bed. Plus she has a really cool new portable night light thing that makes being under the covers pretty darn fun. (thanks Grandma & Grandpa!)
The Chill Pill:
In lieu of a much coveted shower that I somehow thought I was going to squeeze in today, I just did my eye make-up and spritzed on my cheap perfume for the rest of the evening with my honey. We're having marinated tri-tip and potatoes with our broccoli. Woo-hoo! I didn't buy that highly rated $12.99 Prosecco for nothing!

Yesterday we did this:

we're thinking about putting in an offer on this sweet little seaside shanty

All jokes aside, I do need to acknowledge that this new year is going to be significant for me. I have to let go of something. Something big. I have been in a multiple-times-daily internal battle with my brain, heart and let's be honest: my evolutionary female biology - about having another child. This is a Big Thing To Be Putting on the Internet, but I don't have many followers, so whatever. I want (need) to be able to release this from the cage of myself and put it "out there":

I am done having babies.

*HUGE sigh*

Even having said that, I do know that I have to edit myself here because obviously this is extremely personal. Still, this is something that I've been carrying with me every single moment of every single day for a very long time. This is not something that I can force on my partner. We have had many talks and he has been as gentle and empathetic as he could without sacrificing his integrity. Essentially, we have both been waiting for the other to have a change of heart. Instead of dragging out my angst and risking the nose-dive into an ocean of resentment, I have made the decision to succumb to the "fate/God" factor that has been meeting my longing like a brick wall again and again and again.
I have to release this from my heart and soul in order to find my life and breath again. It has been far too consuming for far too long. I know there has to be a lesson in it. There has to be a reason that I'm not getting what I (think I) want. I want to embrace that lesson and that reason. It may not show itself in 2012 or 2013 or until I'm old and gray. All I know is that I have to - I simply must - believe that letting go of this will open up something in me that I didn't know was there.

I cannot express how much I wish to find out what the heck that is.

So, out with the old, in with the new. Bring it.

Winter Solstice. Peace on Earth.

2011-12-21T10:52:00.000-08:00

Today the Sun is still. Solstice. Peace on Earth.

Wishing you a wonderful, merry Christmas, a bright, happy Hanukkah, and most of all, peace.

Peace - a very nice word. Easy to say, nice to envision, yet seemingly almost impossible to achieve. Which means that something must be missing in how we think about it.

Perhaps Albert Einstein knew something - "Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved through understanding."

Buddhists would say that at its core, peace comes from the recognition that we don't exist as separate selves; from the willingness to see others as not so different, but made of the same substance. Mother Teresa: "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other." The same idea is there in the Hebrew "shalom," which means not only peace, but wholeness, where no part is missing or damaged.

Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk, often says that the first act of peace is for each side to recognize that the other side also suffers - possibly as a result of our own actions, or by our inaction, or as a result of misperceptions or lack of understanding - and out of that compassion, for each to have the desire for the other side to suffer less.

To do that, it helps for us first to be in touch with all the things in our own lives that we have a reason to be grateful for. "If, in our daily life we can smile, if we can be peaceful and happy, not only we, but everyone will profit from it. This is the most basic kind of peace work."

So, wishing you peace - not just a cheerful, happy, syrupy sentiment - but true peace.

via John Field Shaw, from his friend who credits John Hussman of the Hussman Fund

Halloween and art

2011-10-30T12:37:00.000-07:00

our Halloween card photo shoot:
Lilah got some very cute jammies:
We dressed up for a little walk-about downtown on the 29th:
(they are little mermaids - a huge thanks to my mom for helping me sew the hardest parts of Lilah's homemade hack-job of a costume!)
then we glammed it up a bit for a party:

(I'm a Sea Queen, of course!)

on the 31st I carved Sadie's Jack-o-lantern designs:
(wasn't easy but totally worth it)
and Andrew took the girls Trick-or-Treating:
In other news, Sadie's art skills have taken a very fun turn. She's gone from scribbles and pictures:
to lists and "writing":
to some really interesting and happy looking creatures:

is it over yet?

2011-10-04T12:46:00.001-07:00

I've been extra busy lately and haven't been writing. This is why:

He broke it while mountain biking on Friday 9/16 and had surgery to put in a plate & screws and wires on Monday 9/26.
I'm so very thankful that his friend and pro biker Thomas was with him (and gallantly carried both of their bikes out of the woods to the road, hitchhiked a ride back to their car and took him straight to the nearby fire station for help).
I'm impressed by and grateful for the intense work the ER team did to get it put back together and splinted that night. (also so thankful they medicated him properly for the worst part of that)
I'm indebted to my brother who jumped in his car and came over to stay with the girls while I went to go get my poor guy.

The recovery from surgery has been arduous. Getting the pain managed the first night was a failure. It made me mad. Really mad. No one person or one thing to blame it on; it was sort of a perfect storm of bad timing. He gets his splint and bandages off soon and will have a wrist cast or brace of some sort for 4-6 weeks.
He's basically going batty with lack of sleep, no exercise and the lingering frustration that it happened in the first place. He's been watching lots of motorcycle racing and doing some coding, but he's generally pretty miserable.

Ugh.

In happier news, we had our 5th wedding anniversary on Friday 9/30. Understandably, Andrew didn't really feel like celebrating ("I can't even cut my own food!") but I found us a fabulous new babysitter and we ended up having a really nice time out. So what if I had to button his jeans for him?
With marriages in our peer group already broken or splitting at the seams all around us, I take pride in the fact that we are still going strong.

And I love to have a day to remember moments like these:

and this:

(Honeymoon)

And although I'm run a little ragged these days, I still can't really get enough of these two:
That's it for now!

if only it were that simple...or is it?

2011-09-13T18:17:00.000-07:00

"Mom, may I be excused?"

Not until you finish your peas, sweetheart.

"But mom, I don't like them."

Well, I'm sorry honey. I thought you might like that kind with the mint butter. I won't buy that kind again. We'll just get the regular kind that you like next time.

"So do I have to eat them?"

Yes honey. They are good for you and it's part of your dinner. You know, there are lots of kids that don't get a healthy meal every night like you do. Some people are actually hungry every day because they don't have money to buy food.

Silence.

"Mom, if there are people who are hungry, shouldn't we just give them some of our food?"

GULP.

Yes, babe. Yes. That's exactly what we should do.

(I approach her to give her a hug and a kiss and tell her what a love she is and how proud I am of her for understanding how important it is to care about other people. And try not to cry.)

I think "Serve at Soup Kitchen/Homeless Shelter" just got bumped up to #1 on my list of Things To Do With My Family Especially While The Girls Are Young To Give Them Some Perspective About Life.

Big sigh.

Side note:
Before dinner, I found her engrossed on the couch with a Fisher Price catalog (note to self - must intercept mail in months preceding Christmas) because it was "in-stresting." After perusing the entire thing, she asked if she could please get "the Jesus thing." I had to have her flip through to find the item she was referring to and it was the Little People Nativity Scene. Oh boy.

it's still too much

2011-09-11T14:35:00.000-07:00

I've been avoiding most media coverage surrounding the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

It may be selfish, but I know myself well enough to respect my overly empathetic tendencies and the difficulty I have letting go of painful emotions.

And honestly? I don't need to be reminded. It's all pretty much still with me. When it happened, I learned that one can literally fall to their knees when overcome with shock and sudden grief, something I thankfully never had cause to experience before. It took me close to 8 months to be able to fall asleep each night without weeping. Today we live near an airbase as well as between two airports, and I still freeze in my tracks sometimes when a jet roars overhead or I see an airplane banking low in the sky. A latent, deeply embedded pang of fear and dread jars within me and then sits heavily in my gut for a while. I don't need to feed that dragon.

Actually, I feel sort of bombarded with the contrived national patriotic mottos to "Never Forget" and "Always Remember."

The thing is, I do want to forget. I don't want to remember.

I want to un-hear the audio clips from passengers on flight 93, the shaky voices of the air traffic controllers, and the sirens echoing in the unnaturally darkened and deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

I wish I could un-see the images. All of them.
Those of the second tower being struck - that baffling vision of an airplane at that twisted angle, leaving no question as to what was about to happen. That action-movie type explosion tearing through that enormous building, wiping out hundreds of lives in a moment.

I want to un-see the dust covered, bloody, terrified citizens fleeing from the scene, running for their lives. I don't want to see the hastily drafted Missing Person fliers that went up everywhere - the smiling faces of lost souls. I don't want to look at footage of the impossibly strong, dutiful firemen plodding to and from the wreckage - "the pile"- what a wretched term; their huge shoulders drooping from utter exhaustion and despair.

And the jumpers. Oh, the jumpers.

The stories of the survivors and the heroes are of no comfort to me. I did end up watching one video online that several of my friends had posted on Facebook, The Man in the Red Bandana - Welles Crowther. It's clearly meant to be uplifting and an example of unprecedented bravery and selflessness. It's a remarkable story, but one that cannot be told without the anguish and horror of that day being torn wide open again.

And so, today - unable to keep it all at bay any longer, something cracked my feeble facade of self preservation. I drove into the town where I grew up, past the firehouse and past the small town square. I looked up and saw the flags at half mast. My breath caught in my throat, I shook my head, and the tears came.

It's still too much.
It's just still too much.

"Mult. Seep."

2011-09-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

Lilah is talking up a storm and I am not catching it all on video, so here are some recent phrases and words...

Disclaimers:
A) this will really only be cute and interesting for family members, and even that is probably pushing it!
B)This has been in draft form for quite a while and it's not well written in the slightest, but I'm just going to post it and move on.

Sinner-ruh-ruh. Cinderella.
Yo Dabba Dabba. Yo Gabba Gabba (TV Show).
I push. Shro-rer. Stroller.

Mo stawbeweez pease. More strawberries, please. (a request at breakfast this morning) Uh oh drop fork! (an observation at breakfast this morning)

Sissy Co-see Bank-ette! Sissy's cozy blanket
Daddy go bike. no explanation needed.
Mama/Daddy/Sissy do it.
Mama/Daddy weed it. Read it.
Help you, pease. Help me, please.
Shows. Close.
Paste. Toothpaste.
Damma/Dampa or Jamma/Jampa - Grandma/Grandpa

I wun. I run.
I jump.
I walk.
Button. Belly button.
She loves to point out parts of the face and body. bah-dee
Hair, eyes, eye-bows (eyebrows - she also calls them rainbows), nose, teef (teeth), cheeks, neck, eews (ears), tummy, jye-nuh (vagina), legs, feet, toes.

she loves to count. 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9!
she loves to sing the ABC song - she could watch this about 20 times a day if I let her.

Other words she knows and uses all of the time:
book, couch, car, seat, drive, baby, airplane, helicopter, moon, cry, happy, chair, sure (her version of yes), in there, where, bed, dance, paci (pacifier), shirt, pants, shoes, clothes, dress, skirt, shorts, umbrella, bear, doggy, kitty, cycle (motorcycle), vroom-vroom, truck, big one, noisy, school, see you later, kiss, hug, stairs

My very favorite by far is Mult. Seep. Milk. Sleep. This means it's time to snuggle up on the couch to nurse her. She puts her little feet up on my chest like a monkey or offers them to me to hold and kiss and press into my cheeks. It's the best.

More from Maine 2011

2011-07-22T14:02:00.001-07:00

it was an awesome trip, once again. Here are a few highlights.

(More to come, but wanted to post something now...)

our first sunset:
Turns out that Boothbay Harbor was fogged in on the 4th (our travel day) so we got to see the fireworks on the 5th:

(insert photos Andrew took of fireworks)

Lilah loved the back porch for snacking and for blowing bubbles. "Mo bubb-ohs?!"
The girls went on some great adventures with Nana in the wagon:
Inspired by our trip to the Botanical Gardens, Sadie and Nana made a Fairy House together:

(insert Fairy House photos and video)

This sunset preceded a terrific thunder and lighting storm:

Andrew introduced Lilah to the Atlantic:

We spent a lot of time hanging out on the rocks below the house:
Obligatory vacation photo:
the view on a foggy night:
our final sunset:

we are in Maine and we are relaxed.

2011-07-12T08:49:00.001-07:00

do we look it?

I know this is random but I like these pictures of us.

:)

playing around with free camera apps on my Droid:

somebody else has said it better than I can

2011-06-08T12:43:00.000-07:00

I came upon this yesterday on Facebook and I love it. It's my sentiments exactly. Literally. Exactly.

June 7, 2011

by Kelly of "DeBie Hive"

"Having kids has been one of the most amazing experiences in my life. It isn’t, however, the only one. There were others, many others, before.

One of the inevitable truths about motherhood is this:

Every. Single. Thing. Changes.

It just does. In such a profound and irreversible way that you cannot properly explain it to someone who doesn’t have kids. And once it happens, you can’t imagine ever going back.

And everything does change. Even things that you think will escape unscathed. The things that you make promises to yourself and to other people will stay the same. Kids get to that stuff too.

The thing coming to mind today is deeper than the changes most people associate with motherhood. Not something as short-lived as sleep deprivation, and something more significant than a rogue stretch mark.

Sometimes we as mothers can get so caught up in mothering that we start to lose our identity.

We lose ourselves.

We forget who we were before we had kids. What we loved. What we would spend our free time doing. Our hobbies, our passions.

They can get lost in the haze of diapers and nap times. Of soccer practices and scouts.

Our friendships can suffer.

I’ve been on both sides of that relationship.

I’ve been the childless one trying to stay connected to the women who went to the next stage first. I’ve been the one trying to understand how the other person is busy all the time now and has more important things to worry about. Waiting for a chance to just sit and talk with the person I used to connect with.

I’ve been the one with a newborn, harried and overwhelmed. I’ve been the one walking the scary path of motherhood for the first time, trying to navigate everything I used to do in addition to keeping this little person alive too. Amidst all that, attempting to maintain relationships with people who don’t understand why I’m so preoccupied.

I want to believe that I always made the effort to stay connected to my friends on the other side. That I didn’t cut myself off from them, blame my kids for being too busy. That I didn’t create distance. I hope I didn’t.

I hope I didn’t forget what it was like to think about everything, anything else in the world other than a baby.

As moms, we forge a new path in our lives which lead to friendships all their own. The other women from playgroups and birthing classes, playgrounds and preschool. They all have lots in common with us since they are in the same stage we are in, and it’s easy to get caught up in that.

Harder, but just as important, is making sure that we keep close the people who we have history with. The ones we grew up with, went to school with, shared apartments with, walked down aisles and stood next to. They are still just as important, if not infinitely more so than the new friends we make.

They knew who we were before we lost ourselves to motherhood. They remember who we were when we had nothing else to worry about. They valued our ideals and our passions. They shared our hobbies.

They liked us. For real reasons other than having a kid the same age.

Just because they aren’t exactly where we are now doesn’t mean that we need them any less. If anything, we need them more.

Though we are mothers, we need to remember who we are too.

Call your friends. Make lunch dates. Laugh until your sides hurt.

Remember who you are.

I’m Kelly, and I have some really amazing friends."

And I'm Janine, and I have some really amazing friends too.

OK Universe, you got me!

2011-06-07T11:47:00.000-07:00

very funny, Universe, veeeeerrrry funny.

I have joked in all seriousness over the years that I still wake up in the middle of the night or in the morning once in a while wondering "who is this man in bed with me? what's going on here?" That actually just stopped recently, and I was relieved but also contemplative that it must signify some sort of maturation turning point for me.

The other night, I told Andrew about my theory, and we ended up having a really great heart-to-heart about all sorts of things, including the revelation that I sometimes don't really feel like an adult, despite being married with two kids. I have daily battles with myself about what kind of homemaker/housekeeper/mother/wife I am or am not, but I honestly haven't settled into "adulthood" in any sort of significant, intentional way. So, what does being an adult mean to me, anyway? I'm married. I have given birth twice. I am a full time mother. What's not adult enough about those things?

An obvious possibility is the lack of home ownership, but I really don't think that's it. The current housing market is just plain sad, and renting is presently viewed as not only perfectly okay, but actually wise in certain areas - like ours.

Another potential piece lacking from my adult puzzle is having a career outside the home. Yeeeeeah. I never got anything off the ground in that department. I don't have anything to "go back to" once the children have been raised. I try not to carry any shame about this, which is easier sometimes than others. I was at a dinner party recently where I ended up talking to another young (and now I question that adjective) mother of two who is an attorney. I ended up telling her that once upon a time I was certain that I wanted to go to law school but that I had essentially chickened out. She asked why, and I stammered through some mash up explanation of my 20-something fear of cutthroat academic competition - legendary in law school, so I hear - and my general fear of commitment. I do remember being really freaked out that if I studied my ass off to get into school and then hated it, I'd be worse off than not having gone at all*. Questionable logic to say the least. Fear of commitment? Come on, Janine. Is there a bigger commitment than getting married and having kids?

*Holy tangent, Batman.

So anyway, I pondered about all of this until I fell asleep and then picked it back up in the morning. It lingered with me and my thoughts throughout the day as I picked up toys, wiped runny noses, and cut up fruit for little hands & mouths. That night, as I regarded my new haircut in the mirror, there IT was.

My first gray hair.

That pretty much says it, doesn't it?

time for tea

2011-05-14T12:59:00.000-07:00

Sadie's preschool had a tea party last week. It was pretty cute.
The kids got dressed up, served us cookies and a beverage of our choice (tea, coffee or fruit punch, naturally) and then sang a few songs for the dads wielding video cameras and the moms clutching kleenex.

She was certainly excited and proud to have both of her parents there, which is the whole point, I'd say.

I can't believe her first year of preschool is almost over. She has had a wonderful time - she seriously never looked back. Never had an "I don't feel like going today" morning. Never lingered at the doorway, never had trouble releasing her fingers from mine. Never needed an extra hug. Most mornings, I'd look up after signing her in and find that she was already fully immersed in whatever activity she decided to start her day with. I'd have to call her name several times to get her attention, get the hug I needed, and do our "I love you"sign to each other.

I'm glad she's doing another year starting in the Fall. She will love it again, I'm sure. I am definitely beginning to sweat the elementary school decision, though. Maybe I'll share that borderline psychotic angst in another post sometime.

eating and walking and other updates

2011-05-03T16:50:00.001-07:00

Sadie was pretending to be an otter today and wanted fish for a snack. Since the only fish I had in the house were A) frozen and B) in the form of oil usually taken at breakfast time, she opted for my offer to make "pretend" fish.

What can I say? Inspiration struck.

The ingredients are: multi grain sandwich flatbreads cut to shape, seaweed strips cut into "scales" and attached with hummus, a pea for the eye and a green bean for the mouth. Oh, and apple slices for waves. Ha!

I don't know if I'll be doing anything even remotely similar anytime soon and it certainly doesn't meet these standards:

but I had to snap a picture for posterity.

What do you say, do I get an A for creativity?

~*~

She had her first visit to the dentist last week and passed with flying colors. No cavities, was perfectly cooperative and loves her new toothbrush and princess floss. She chose a "diamond" ring from the treasure box after her cleaning.
And now some Lilah business:

This girl is ready to GO!
She has been fascinated with my keys lately, and not just to chew on. She takes them to the door and tries to actually use them.
She never sits still. Never.
rocking out in her high chair

She is in love with Sadie's motorcycle toy and wants to ride it all of the time. (it took Sadie over a year to warm up to it and now she's basically too big for it. Score for little sis!)
Here she is a couple of weeks ago on it.

And the big news - Lilah started walking for real today (i.e. not reverting to a crawl after taking 3 steps and plopping down) and it is pretty damn cute if I do say so myself. She sort of stomps and side-steps along, expecting to fall at any second with an awesome combination of delight and exhilaration on her face. She usually has her mouth wide open in an ecstatic grin. She's definitely our little dare devil, our tough cookie. She has so much energy and determination. It's clear that she's very proud of herself and very excited to have made this development. FUN!

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

2011-05-01T21:28:00.001-07:00

Wow. The news tonight is big.

I remember feeling pure shock and bewilderment on September 11, 2001.

Grief and insomnia took over soon after and lasted for months, but my initial feelings were all about disbelief. I was totally incredulous that such evil and hatred existed in the world, and on such a huge scale. I was horrified to learn that this man and his followers really thought their actions were just, righteous, even holy. It still baffles me.

I have virtually zero experience with the military, so it is beyond the scope of my imagination to understand what all went into tonight's events. I'm just plain awestruck. I was glad to hear President Obama say that no Americans were harmed. I thought this bit of his speech was particularly well worded:

"Tonight we give thanks to the countless intelligence and counterterrorism professionals who have worked tirelessly to achieve this outcome. The American people do not see their work nor know their names, but tonight they feel the satisfaction of their work and the result of their pursuit of justice. We give thanks for the men who carried out this operation, for they exemplify the professionalism, patriotism and unparalleled courage of those who serve our country. And they are part of a generation that has borne the heaviest share of burden since that September day."

Tonight I hope that everyone in the world who has been affected by Bin Laden's epic terrorism over the past decade can feel something good at the news of his death. It feels twisted to say that, but it is what it is.

I'm not sure what parents, brothers, sisters, friends, husbands, wives, cousins, grandparents,etc. of anyone who perished on 9/11 or anyone hurt or killed in the line of duty since that day are supposed to feel tonight.

Relief?
Justice?
Closure?
Hope?
Peace?

Peace. Now wouldn't that be something?

Easter do over?

2011-04-25T10:48:00.000-07:00

So, we're well past the point of being able to claim rookie status on anything to do with parenting - especially providing magical delight for our children on holidays - but I kinda want to for this Easter!

We waited way too long to dye eggs (an hour before bedtime on Easter eve), used eco-friendly dye and brown eggs with rather sad results:

and of course, our biggest mistake was having the Easter Bunny hide plastic eggs in the front yard the night before we went to bed.
In the morning, I tiptoed to the front door, opened it ever so quietly and stepped outside to see how the yard looked, dotted with colorful eggs hidden in plain sight for our little girls...
Well, my anticipatory smile vanished in an instant. Oh, the carnage! What were we thinking?! We had basically laid out a feast for the neighborhood vermin. I should have taken photos, but I was too preoccupied with getting it cleaned up before the girls woke up.

But Sadie wasn't phased - she had a ball gathering up the remaining eggs; there were plenty, thankfully. We couldn't hide the fact that some had been pilfered, though - there were remnants of stickers and candy here and there in the dirt. I successfully shooed away a few eager birds and got Andrew to stand guard. We all observed a particularly brazen black squirrel sitting smugly in our tree as he noisily cracked into a pink plastic egg to get the chocolate inside. We watched as bits of shiny pastel foil floated down from the branches to the sidewalk. A thief and a litterer. I suppose I can't really blame him, though.

Better next year, I hope!

Bad Dates

2011-04-20T16:45:00.000-07:00

Last week I went to see my friend in a one woman show titled "Bad Dates". She was fabulous. Must get my hands on that script for monologue material.

Inserted in the program was a blank sheet inviting audience members to share their bad dates and there was a drawing at intermission for the "winner" of this backwards contest.

Guess who clinched it?

Yup.

Here's my entry. True story.

As an impossibly naive and utterly inexperienced college senior, I took a chance and gave my number to a cute guy at the bank. (1) After a couple of awkward phone conversations, I agreed to meet him for a late meal at Denny's. (2) We did not click. I never saw him again but maintained my pride at having gone out on a limb (3) UNTIL...
A few months later my father (3a) saved a newspaper clipping with the note "is this the guy you went out with?" attached to a report about a man who had just been sentenced to prison for rape.
It was he.
I've never given my number to a man since.

(1) I had never done anything even remotely as forward as this, but if you heard the whole story, you'd understand why it was kind of cute and totally understandable why I'd do such a thing. Really.
(2) I was living a very late night lifestyle, being in the theater, so meeting late at Denny's was not odd. And all of my roommates knew exactly where I was. I swear.
(3) I seriously think I told everyone I knew (even my father - 3a) that I had given my number to someone. It felt like a pivotal moment for me in a way. So pathetic.

So there you have it. I won a bottle of wine. I wanna hear YOUR bad date story. Yes, you.

Go on. It can't be worse than mine, can it? If it is, I'll mail you the bottle of wine. Seriously.

Bun is ONE!

2011-04-10T16:32:00.000-07:00

argh...meant to post this yesterday...

4:43 PM April 9th, 2010 took a loooooooooooooooooong time to arrive. I am one of the lucky ones who loves being pregnant and really had a glorious second pregnancy, minus a bit of heartburn. I am one of the unlucky ones whose labors are very long. I'm talking 40+ hours long. Yeah. LONG.

I think the "worst" of it was that I was dilated to 9cm for about 8 hours (!) until finally someone (I honestly don't remember who) said "why don't we make certain that her water is broken?" and POW! out she shot in about 180 seconds. I remember so vividly being utterly incredulous at the increase in pain that coursed through me in those moments. The HOLY SH*T THIS IS IT realization hit me like a truck. I remember the wild fear and panic and desperation that I completely succumbed to with only my doula's eyes to stare into, only her hands to clutch with all of my might. All of those serene, strong mantras from the hypno-birthing CD went right out the window at that point.

I CAN'T DO THIS!
Yes, you can.
NO I CAN'T!
Yes, you can. Janine, you're doing it.
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. . .

It is beyond ironic that Andrew had just left my side only for a few minutes; the same few minutes when that someone (who was it?!) decided to break my water. Yes, he missed Lilah's entrance into the world. It could be funny except it's not. But it's not tragic either, though. I think I've done a pretty good job at being okay with this cruel fact because I think I believe in things happening for a reason. And I think it might have been pretty traumatic for him to witness me in the throes of primal, guttural sounds and emotions of the last few seconds of labor. But let's be honest - what is my option in terms of how to deal with that? Be bitter for the rest of my life? No thanks. It only hurts when I really really really think about it - and when I recently heard that my friend's husband got to catch his newborn son last month. Can't think of anything more awesome than that for a man to do. Really can't.

Anyway, he was there seconds later - the pictures prove it - and we cried and smiled and kissed and pressed our sweaty foreheads together - our hearts pounding in unison as we gazed down at our new, perfect love. Our new baby girl. Another girl! Another daughter! A new soul for our family and for the universe.

Her birth is without a shadow of a doubt the Thing I Am Most Proud Of In My Life. No drugs. The real deal. I allowed myself to want that kind of birth which is, to say the least, not honored/suggested/supported/etc. in today's birthing culture. I'll admit it. I wanted it. I wanted it badly. I was determined to "join that club" even though women are sort of denied bragging rights (for lack of a better term) about natural birth because it's considered insensitive to women who choose not to/can't/didn't have one. The whole "you don't get a medal" mentality for having an unmedicated birth is so common and while I understand it, I find it pretty annoying. The difference between Sadie's and Lilah's births are night and day. Okay I'd better move on before this turns into a serious rant!

Lilah is such a special girl. She's loud. She's demanding. She's daring. She's not easy to please. She's aggressive. She's fast. She's a very quick study. She is an impressive mimic. She snuggles. She's the definition of a Daddy's girl. She doesn't need as much sleep as the rest of us do, apparently. She is her own little person with her own big agenda and she will have no trouble navigating through her life, there's no doubt about it.

(click on picture to see larger)

Happy 1st birthday to my baby. She is a joy to behold and I could not be more proud to be her mama.

Harriette Audelle Saunders 1918 - 2011

2011-03-18T10:16:00.000-07:00

March 3rd, 2011

My sweet Grandmother, known lovingly as "GG" to my girls, passed away this morning.

We are all tremendously sad. She was truly a remarkable lady.

I already miss her so much. I miss her voice. I miss her perfume. I miss her soft, manicured hands. I miss her lovely white hair.

I know I will always miss her.

I will miss the sounds of her cuckoo clock and her grandfather clock. The deep softness of her couch. The beauty and serenity of her garden.

She was so strong. So vibrant. So sharp-witted. She lived on her own and drove herself around until very recently and had standing appointments to get her hair and nails done. She remembered everyone's birthdays. She gave wonderful hugs and kisses. She had a throw pillow that said "if I'd known having grandchildren was this much fun, I would have had them first", which she gave to my mom a few years ago. She was both thrilled and incredulous at being a great-grandmother.

She said things like "Oh, for Heaven's sake", "Isn't that neat?" and "Gee, whiz." She could use her fingers in her mouth to whistle louder than anyone I know. She called everyone "honey". She always had a box of See's candy on the table, a bowl of M&Ms out and a basket of Beanie Babies in the corner. She had beautiful handwriting. She was a lefty. She was a lady. She wore pantsuits and blouses and things with embroidery. She put out unique and whimsical decorations for every holiday. She loved and collected teddy bears. She liked to watch Jeopardy. She wore a heart locket necklace with pictures of her two children in it. She liked the chicken club sandwich from Jack-in-The-Box. She enjoyed watching the birds in her garden, especially hummingbirds. She liked wind chimes. She loved Spring. She was genuinely clever and had a great sense of humor. She would sometimes close her eyes and clasp her hands together in delight when she laughed. She loved to hear anything we had to tell her about our lives. She was upbeat and positive and always smiling. She and her late husband, my Grandpa Fred, called each other "pal".

It was my honor and privilege to be her granddaughter. Whenever we visited her, she always said how lucky she was. I think we're the lucky ones.

FRIDAY, MARCH 17, 2011 - a wee bit o' fun

2011-03-18T09:58:00.000-07:00

Saint Patrick's Day

I've been feeling rather gloomy lately. Between the utter devastation and ongoing crisis in Japan, the murderous wrath of Qaddafi in Libya, and my grandmother's stroke 11 days ago, I just feel like I'm in a bit of a tailspin of negative emotions.

While my girls are allowed to be blissfully unaware of the tragedies in the world, I'm having a hard time falling asleep at night - much like I did for many weeks after 9/11.

I allowed Sadie to watch a bit of CNN with me last Friday and I think I said "Oh my God" about 10 times in ninety seconds as the images and footage of the earthquake and tsunami flashed on our T.V. screen - so much for keeping that phrase out of her vocab. I did my best to explain what had happened there, and her eyes widened as she gasped, "oh no! we have to save the world!" If only, kiddo.

Luckily I don't have to look far to find a little bit of joy.

This morning it came in the form of a mischievous leprechaun who turned Sadie's eggs and Lilah's yogurt green. When we arrived at preschool, we were informed that some leprechauns had gotten into their paint and scampered about!

then there were Irish dancers to watch, which Lilah loved:

my little lucky charms:

Threenager

2011-03-02T15:41:00.000-08:00

I heard this term not too long ago (I forget where) and it made me laugh out loud because, well, it fits:

Mercurial mood swings? Check.
Answering "I know" to almost everything I try to tell her? Check.
Wanting to wear my make up? Check.
Slow as molasses in the morning when we need to get out the door? Check.
Big opinions on what she'll wear or not wear? Check.
Experimenting with attitude and talking back? Check.

So...three and a half is proving to be pretty interesting around here. We've been having more battles than I'm comfortable with, so I'm trying to take a few steps back and examine where my frustration and lack of patience is stemming from. I mean, what do I care if she feels the need to repeat "hair ball" fifty times because it gives her the giggles? Who cares if my hair gets messed up by letting her brush it? Why not get the playdoh out every single day if she's asking for it?

Lately I am feeling the need to grab my girls, hold them close and soak in every nuance of their ages. It's all so fleeting. Lilah is closing in on a year (how did that happen?!) I sometimes can get so caught up in trying to keep crumbs off the floor and sticky fingers out of hair that I'm afraid I could be missing the truest nature of this precious time when they are little.

Everyone and I mean everyone says "enjoy them while they're young!" and for some reason that chipper bit of advice can sometimes really stress me out. Like, how dare I have any moments in which I'm not swooning over my children?

True story at Ann Taylor Loft a couple of weeks ago:

Woman: Oh, your girls are so beautiful.
Me: thank you!
Woman: Mine is all grown up.
Me: how old is yours?
Woman: Seventeen.
Me: Seventeen. What's that like?
Woman: Heartbreaking.
Me: (lump forming in throat) Oh...why?
Woman: Well, we just...we just used to be so close. And don't get me wrong, we have no real problems. We love each other very much. We just aren't...well, we just don't share as much or talk to each other as much anymore.
Me: (voice cracking, looking for box of tissues) Oh, that's my nightmare. I don't want that day to come. Ever.
Woman: (not unkindly) Oh, it will. But you have time. Now when my daughter asks me what I want for my birthday or Mother's Day, I tell her 'a hug' and I really mean it.
Me: (bursting into tears) Oh! Oh, that's so sad! Oh, that makes me so sad! I'm sorry...
(awkwardly making my way out of the store)

Now, some of my long time friends might think, "Aha! There's the weepy, cry-at-toilet-paper-commercials girl I've known forever!" and it's entirely possible that perhaps my hormones have all finally regulated back to their normal state and this will be happening on a regular basis again, but I think I'd better get a grip. Quickly.

I found myself explaining to a friend last night that it seems like Sadie is in a transition from being a toddler who needs to everything to be managed for her to a child who has opinions and ideas that need to be heard, respected and honored. It's a tough one, because her behavior vacillates greatly so I have to be really on the ball at all times in order to deal with her in a way that I can feel okay with and that is fair to her. Like, I have to be okay with letting her slither off the couch onto the floor while she pretends to be Ariel the Little Mermaid, but I have to lay down the law when she starts flopping and bouncing next to her 93 and a half year old great-grandmother or 11 month old sister.

This is about the age when children start to have a few lasting memories, and I'd really like them to be positive ones in which she feels carefree and cherished rather than ones where she feels rebuked and stifled. Just writing that feels bizarre. I mean, my God -- I love these children more than life itself and I want absolutely nothing but the best for them and yet I'm already worried about their lasting memories of me? See what I mean? I need to get a grip and lighten up. I've got a long way to go!

Happy Heart Day!

2011-02-14T10:14:00.001-08:00

Lilah love:
Sadie made a Valentine for us at school:

a super cute shirt came in the mail from Nana:

Old School x2: Sadie's onesie from 3 years ago (thanks again, Aunt Shannon!)
and a shout out to the days of passing binder paper notes:

another Valentine outfit:

we made cookies at Aunt Jill's:

Happiness is:

and last but not least, here is video of the girls enjoying the musical cards

that Nana's sister, the wonderful Great Aunt Marilyn sends from Ohio:
Sadie and Lilah with musical cards

30 hour recharge

2011-02-08T10:03:00.001-08:00

Aaaaaaaah. I needed that.

While in MA over Christmas, it came to my attention that a dear friend of mine from college (Anne Marie, with whom I am in very limited contact, but that's a whole 'nother story) was going to be starring in a play in her hometown of Phoenix, AZ. It sounded like a really great script.

Since we'd just been rewarded with travel vouchers from Southwest Airlines due to an unexpected and lengthy delay on our trip East, my wheels had already been spinning and trying to hatch a plan for a "mom getaway" for myself.

I contacted the most likely candidate to join me in this adventure, my best friend from college, and plans were set in motion. I kind of didn't want to get my hopes up, but everything came together just perfectly and we had a blast. Bill drove out early Saturday morning from L.A. to meet my plane and we drove straight to another alum/friend's house in nearby Chandler (Monica). We relaxed, talked and snacked for a couple of hours, went to a great dinner, and headed to the theater. The show was excellent and my friend knocked it out of the park, as expected. She's a powerhouse on stage and always a joy to watch.

To our delight, we learned that yet another college pal (Kevin) was in town visiting his kids and was seeing the show as well, so we all gathered at the stage door and surprised Anne Marie. That was my favorite part - I'm a sucker for surprises, both getting and giving. We got a backstage tour and actually got to go onstage too, which was very cool and practically made me swoon with inspiration and the itch to act again as soon as possible.
Then we headed to the cast's favorite bar and did the best we could to catch up on each other's lives over more munchies and drinks. These are people I spent countless hours and many late nights with during our years in the theater department at school. Laughter, tears, the works.
It was definitely bittersweet because we all know that getting together is becoming an increasingly rare luxury as time passes and our individual lives unfold in all their crazy variety.

We said goodnight and met for brunch in the morning to try to squeeze in a little more time together. Before I knew it, Bill was dropping me off at the curb at the airport. It was a total whirlwind but definitely worth it.

I could kick myself for not taking more pictures, but here's what I've got.

Everybody at the bar post show:

Kevin and me:

the next morning at brunch:

me, AM, Monica

me, Bill, AM

me & AM

Oh, and I thought this was funny:

booze & breastmilk
(no one partook of the Bailey's or the Jager - that's just what was in the fridge when I opened it)

Sucker!

2011-01-28T21:14:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, in a moment of tired mommy-shopping-with-two-children weakness, when my 3 year old's eyes glazed over at the sight of a cotton candy confection tulle explosion of a dress, instead of saying "you know, we don't really need a dress for you right now, honey", I caved and bought two.

Total sucker.

(They were actually cheaper than flimsy Halloween costume dresses, and we have a family wedding coming up, but that's beside the point.)
It's scary how easy it is to justify these things! Sadie was practically drooling. She didn't whine or beg or demand. She kind of went into slow motion as she approached the rack. I don't think she even blinked as she stared, slack jawed and starry eyed at them. "Mom," she gushed, "they're so beauuuuuuuuuutiful!"

You get the picture. Anyway, they turned out to be just the thing for getting photos of the girls for the annual Valentine card that I like to send to some far away family and friends. Thanks, Aunt Andi!
It has not escaped my attention that I suppose we might "have to" start amassing some dress-up dresses. Apparently it's all part of totally healthy imaginary play. Just the other day, a mom graciously offered to let Sadie borrow the little mermaid outfit that she had on when I came to pick her up from her first drop-off playdate. I was not particularly happy about the arrangement because essentially it meant that Sadie had succeeded in getting what she wanted by whining and defying my objection, but I appreciated the gesture nonetheless. More to the point, they had to get on with their day and I'm pretty sure that watching our mundane and cliche battle of wills play out in their backyard was not on their agenda.

So yeah, it might be time to get a few dresses for pretend play. But seriously - someone slap me if I ever buy those little plastic high heels...

2011

2011-01-02T14:39:00.000-08:00

I stopped making New Year's resolutions a long time ago. I can't think of the last time I did, actually. I'm not sure if that's because I'm lazy or if I disappointed myself one too many times by utterly failing to keep them or what.
For some reason, I am feeling the itch to make some this year. I probably won't spell them out here because more than likely they'd read like a laundry list of all that ails me and you'd want to reach through the computer, take my hand and lead me to the self help section of the nearest bookstore. Or to a therapist's office. (for what it's worth, I'd welcome both trips whole-heartedly and would go willingly - but who has time for that?!)

I've actually never been good at setting realistic, attainable goals for myself. I'm sort of in the Go Big or Go Home camp, but not it a good way. Like, I'll do 200 sit ups and be pissed that my tummy isn't flat when I'm done. Or I'll sit with a friend trying to teach me the basics of knitting and I'll want to scream in frustration when I can't whip up a hat at the end of the hour.

Patience is so not my virtue. Although quotes like "the longest journey starts with the first step" sound really lovely and unquestionably wise, that's not really my bag. If I decide to undertake a "journey" I'm more likely to do the splits (speaking metaphorically here, folks) trying to take the l o n g e s t first step possible, pulling all the muscles in my leg while doing so, and then decide I can't make that trip, and maybe I didn't even really want to get to that destination in the first place. Humph.

This is why, for example, we are coming up on a year of being in our rental house and we still don't have photos on the walls/books on shelves or the girls' playroom organized and functional. It's why I am still carrying a good 20 extra pounds. It's why Lilah's baby book is basically empty and my "filing system" consists of piles of paperwork here and there. It's why my Spanish is still very halting even though I was super gung-ho about brushing up my conversational skills not too long ago...yeah, remember that? It's why I don't go on auditions.

I suspect that somewhere along the line I developed a semi debilitating fear of failure, so that I rarely undertake anything which puts me at risk of not succeeding. It's such a vicious cycle. If I don't even try, how can I accomplish anything? The last thing that I really had some momentum on was my volunteer efforts for Jenny's Light and the MOMS program at El Camino Hospital - and I've basically fizzled out on both. I carry major self-imposed shame with regard to those short lived endeavors. *sigh*

So what am I getting at? I guess just that I want to have a good year. Whatever that means. I want to be a more mindful parent. I want to figure out how to get regular exercise back into my life. (it has been many many many years since I have done any consistent exercise. Yes, years!) I would love to figure out how to stop comparing myself to others. And it would be awesome to be cast in a show.

Okay, I'd better stop there. Wouldn't want to accidentally commit to anything here in the blogosphere. ;)

the Solstice Lunar Eclipse - super cool

2010-12-23T15:28:00.000-08:00

I'm backtracking a couple of days, but I wanted to touch on this.

As I've mentioned before, I'm a moon girl. I especially love full moons. A few months ago, I noted that we were having a Harvest moon at the Fall Equinox and that we'd be having a full moon at the Winter Solstice, too.

Last year some friends of ours had a Solstice party at their house, where they projected Frosty the Snowman onto the side of their garage for the little kids and the Winter Fairy came to deliver treats (bells and stickers). It was really fun and although I wouldn't call myself a pagan, I decided to start recognizing the Solstices and Equinoxes - if for no other reason than to reflect upon the passing of time in nature, time and space, and to feel connected to the universe at those times. Why not?

When a friend of mine reminded me about this special lunar eclipse the other night, I made sure to go outside to see it. Luckily the cloud cover was moving fast enough for me to get some great glimpses of this phenomenon.

As I read descriptions of this eclipse, the one that took my breath away with wonderment was this:

"Monday night or early Tuesday morning, depending on your location, many around the world were able to witness a phenomenal and rare total lunar eclipse, watching as the Earth passed directly between the sun and the full moon, shrouding it in shadow and transforming the white image into a stunning deep red glow. The event was especially significant as it coincided with the winter solstice, something that hasn't occurred in 372 years and won't come around again until 2094."

Why the red glow?

‎"when the eclipse is underway...you're seeing every sunrise and every sunset in the world, all of them, all at once. This incredible light beams into the heart of Earth's shadow, filling it with a coppery glow and transforming the Moon into a great red orb."

Pics from around the globe:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/21/lunar-eclipse-2010-photos_n_799618.html#212892
I don't know how long that link will be active, so I'll try to save and post some of the pictures as well.

okay I guess that's it for this post. ;)

Our Christmas card

2010-12-21T14:17:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, everyone!

(click on it for a larger view)

Another year.

2010-12-19T21:58:00.000-08:00

Today is the day that I make a point to mark the anniversary of my friend's sister & nephew's tragic deaths. It's certainly not something I like to think about, but in this case, not wanting to think or talk about unpleasant things is kind of exactly the point - as well as a significant part of the problem that led to their unnecessary passing.

For information, go to www.jennyslight.org

And remember to pay special attention to any new mothers in your life. You know her. A friend, cousin, neighbor, coworker, a friend's spouse... New moms are everywhere, and the statistics about postpartum depression are shocking to most people. So many women suffer silently through really hard weeks or months after childbirth.

So check in with the new mom you know. Look a little deeper than you would normally. Find a way to let her know that you care about her and this profound journey that she has begun by bringing a child into the world and becoming a mom. Be willing to hear about the difficult aspects of this monumental change for her; maybe even her birth story, if she wants to share it with you. Listen. Make eye contact. Listen some more.

You could be a life saver.

Christmas stuff

2010-12-17T19:12:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm totally cheating, but I used free software to Grab these photos off the website from our recent photo session at One Of Those Places In The Mall.
Shhh. Don't turn me in.
(don't get too bent out of shape; I did purchase some prints from the company, so I'm not completely without morals)

We're busy gearing up for our every-other-year trip to Merrimac for Christmas. I always over pack and I always stress about having enough warm clothes for everyone. I'm sure we'll be fine. Actually, this year our biggest challenge might be the plane ride, as Lilah is really close to crawling and will probably want to be put down on the floor. Yeah, that's not happening. The problem is, she's got lungs and she knows how to use them. I might buy a few boxes of earplugs and pass them out if she gets loud. I have heard of parents doing that, and there have been times when I would have appreciated that myself, so I figure it's worth it - even if just for the gesture of goodwill.

Sadie is all about Santa and Rudolph this year. Our dear friends in Colorado sent their Elf on A Shel f, Pipsqueak's, best friend to us, whom Sadie named Pippy - such originality. Each morning she finds him somewhere different in the house, as he has gone to the North pole during the night to report to Santa about Sadie's ranking on the Naughty or Nice scale.

She's learned all of the lyrics to "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" and sings it a lot. She received the movie as a surprise direct from the North Pole and I think she's watched it at least once a day for about 5 days now. We sang Christmas songs at Music Together class this week, and she hung onto "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" from that. Just today she asked me "Mom, what does 'pout' mean?" - presumably because she has now learned that she'd better not!

We've got a beautiful little tree and some wonderful ornaments, which endlessly fascinate Lilah.

We play Christmas music in the car and we keep our eyes peeled for special decorations everywhere we go. We're receiving lots of great Christmas cards and I'm almost done with all of ours. We've been reading all of our Christmas books and we'll be having an early Christmas at my parents' house this weekend, since we'll be away this year.

Last but not least, here is Sadie's letter to Santa, which of course I helped her to write:

Pure Joy

2010-11-24T09:08:00.000-08:00

Honestly, this kid radiates joy.

She does this funny audible inhale when she's excited, which is often. Her arms and legs go at a different speed than the rest of her body. She clasps her hands together and pumps them up and down, making a sound on the down-beat. She "sings" along to music in the car.

She doesn't laugh much, so we all get excited when she does, but she grins and shrieks with joy all of the time.
She loves dogs. She loves being in the swing at the park.

She loves to watch her sister. And I swear she wakes up early just to get quality time lying in bed with Mom and Dad, where she squeals, kicks, slaps our faces and grabs our hair and skin. Starting the day feeling the love from a being who simply cannot get enough of us is pretty hard to beat.

She does this hilarious high-pitched "singing" where she goes above her vocal register to just a whisper that we call Mariah-ing. Here's an example: http://www.vimeo.com/16869805

She certainly can make a noisy protest as well, but she mostly keeps us smiling and reminds us that life is really exciting and fun. Keep up the good work, kiddo. We love you soooooooooo much.

Deep thoughts, toddler version.

2010-11-10T13:33:00.001-08:00

The other day while driving to visit our friends a couple of hours away, Sadie started asking "family tree" type questions. We've explained it before to her, but I think she's starting to understand a little bit better. She seems to get that Nana and Papa are Daddy's mom & dad, and Grandma and Grandpa are Mommy's mom and dad. She named all of her aunts and I explained that Aunt Jill and Aunt JoJo are Mommy's sisters. We told her that Uncle Justin is Daddy's brother and Uncle John is Mommy's brother. The one that seems to make her think deeply is that GG is Mommy's Grandma and is also Grandpa's mom. It seems fitting that that would be a head-scratcher for a three year old. I was thoroughly enjoying making these family relationship connections clear to her and the topic was genuinely holding her interest.
And then.
"Who is Grandma's mom and dad?"
Well, honey, Grandma's mom and dad have died.
"But why did they die?"
Well, they each died when they got very sick with a terrible disease called cancer.
Silence.
I turned around to see my sweet girl's lips turn down at the corners ever so slightly and did I detect a quiver? Yup. Then her big blue eyes filled with tears and, I kid you not, one fat tear rolled down her right cheek as she looked at me and said, "But I'm sad that Grandma's mom died!"

Oh, boy.

I reached back and held her hand and tried to fight the lump forming in my throat. I told her that it's okay to be sad when people die - that we feel that way because we care about them and we will miss them when they are gone.

But ugh - where to go from here? Do I get into talk of souls, spirit, heaven, angels? Do I even believe in all or any of that? I took a deep breath, which promptly caught in my throat and I barely got out "Well, babe - I believe that even though Grandma's mom and dad aren't here with us on Earth anymore, that they are still watching over us."
And I do. I do choose to believe that people's souls continue on after death. In what capacity, exactly, I don't know and I don't expect to ever know or understand. I think I buy into the idea of reincarnation/past lives/old souls, etc. but to be honest, I haven't done a huge amount of deep thinking on the topic.

I decided to leave it at that for now, shifting the conversation into telling her a little bit about Grandma's mom. I told her that she was a really special lady who I loved very very much. I told her that she worked in an ice cream parlor when she was a teenager and could make the most perfect ice cream cones ever. I told her that she had blue eyes and blond hair, like she does. I told her that I used to watch soap operas with her and that she used to take us grocery shopping every Sunday after church & let me ride in the cart. I told her that she used to have tons of costume jewelry that she let me and my sisters try on. She seemed to like hearing these details and I was pleased to have helped her feel a little better.

But the next day in the car, she asked "Mom, where do people die?"
Gulp.
I am all about answering all of her questions so that she knows she can always come to me when she wants the truth about things, but I didn't exactly know what to say. 'Cause let's face it - people can and do die pretty much anywhere and anytime. That seemed a little too real. So I told her that people die in different places; some get sick and die in the hospital, some die at home, and some can die other places too. She piped up that some people could die in the swimming pool if they can't swim (I must have impressed that upon her at some point during her lessons a few months ago).

This morning, I heard Andrew explaining to her that "everyone dies eventually" - she was at it again. I also heard him assuring her that most car accidents are minor and that people can get hurt but don't usually die - only in very bad ones - and that lots of doctors and scientists are working very hard to find a cure for cancer. You know, just some light, pleasant morning chatter over peach yogurt and peanut butter raisin toast. Why is death on her mind?!

I certainly didn't anticipate discussing cancer, drowning and car accidents with my three year old. I really would rather she not be worrying about this stuff yet. I suppose sharing all of this information with her could result in making her scared and troubled, but I am immensely glad that she is voicing her concerns, asking questions, and above all, exhibiting true empathy. I guess I feel like if we wisely handle how we share knowledge with her, we could potentially instill confidence in her as a prescient being. I realize that's a bit lofty and certainly idealistic, but how else can I approach my girl's curiosity about life itself?

We Love Nana!

2010-10-26T17:57:00.001-07:00

Nana was here for two and a half weeks and we had a wonderful time. She managed to spend great quality time with both girls individually each day - as well as make at least one meal and wash all of our dishes almost every day. I seriously should have been taking notes.

She read dozens of books to them,
she shared her food with them,
she laughed and played with them,
she did a planting project with Sadie,
she made a Halloween dress for Sadie,
she babysat so that Andrew and I could have two (!!) date nights,
and she celebrated her birthday with us.
The woman runs circles around me; I kid you not. I know I've mentioned it before, but I seriously scored in the mother-in-law department. It's ridiculous.

We love Nana. We can't wait to see you at Christmas.

this is why...

2010-10-14T17:40:00.000-07:00

...it sometimes bothers me when Sadie does fake, cheesy smiles.

because here's the real deal:

and here's a good one of Little Sister:

Artwork

2010-10-01T23:42:00.001-07:00

(the Sun!)

(who knows what, but I like it)

Sadie has never been a kid who I "can't leave alone for 5 minutes" for fear of what she'll get do/break/spill/get into. Until now.

It started with "painting" her toenails with dry erase pen while I was busy with Lilah. So we had a talk and I asked her if she'd like to have her toes painted like mommy. I'm not about to take her to get a pedicure, mind you - but I parlayed this into a chance to have some special Mama-Sadie only time and used very pale, shiny pink on her toes. She was happy and I was satisfied. I'm so naive.

In just a few short days, we were at square one again, only she had graduated to painting her face with her watercolor paints - again while I was busy with Lilah. Textbook.

I realize that it's possible that she might be getting mixed messages, because we do have some special on-skin crayons that we've used in the past, and we did hire a face painter for her birthday, but I've made sure to explain that ink and watercolor paints aren't good for our skin and are only for paper. I make her repeat it back to me, with eye contact. (I am certainly deluding myself that this somehow makes a lasting impression, but here again is an example of my parenting style: winging it.)

On this occasion, I had set her up to paint in the playroom while I nursed Lilah. She came into the living room about 10 minutes later, her face literally dripping.

Hi mom.
Hi honey. Did you do some painting on your face with watercolor paints?
No. (drip, drip)
I think you did. You know how I know?
(shakes head no)
Because I can see it.
(eyes open wider and her hand shoots up to feel)

Busted.

On the one hand, the lying (or normal toddler embellishment, whatever you want to call it) irks me. On the other hand, I find it rather fascinating that she truly hasn't grasped the concept of cause and effect or action/consequence yet. She's innocent. It's our job to explain this stuff - ideally in a nonthreatening manner.

The other day, I caught her coloring in a few of her books. We had The Talk again. Only on paper. But not book paper. Maybe this really is confusing and unclear to her?

Yesterday, she went back to dry erase pens, but escalated it to her face. I think you can tell by her expression that I reacted a little bit differently.

A few days after that, she drew on her legs, feet and face with ball point pens. I wasn't calm, cool or collected that time.

I'm done talking. All pens and paints have been confiscated for now.

We'll stick to the school-sanctioned art projects, like these gems that have come home in the past few weeks:

But as luck would have it, we're attending a birthday party soon with a face painter again. Round and round we go.

Yesterday and Tomorrow

2010-09-28T14:54:00.001-07:00

About a month ago I came across a prayer/poem that has been framed in my parents' house for decades. I read it. Then I read it again.

Two Days
There are two days about which
I never worry:
yesterday and tomorrow.
Those days belong to God;
so that leaves me only today.
It is only when we add the great burden
of worry about yesterday and tomorrow
that a person breaks down.
Leave these to God, my friend,
and live just one day at a time.

I thought to myself that I should look for opportunities to call on that principle in my day to day life. And the universe handed it to me.

Last week I completely tripped out when I learned that a friend of mine is also friends with what I can only call my nemesis from junior high. I literally sat dumbfounded at the computer for a couple of minutes - my mind transporting me back into my 13 year old self - the long forgotten stress and emotional hardship of being bullied and picked on quickening my pulse.

Yesterday.

How could this awesome woman I know have anything to do with her? What could they possibly have in common?

Turns out their daughters are BFFs at preschool. Mystery solved. Still, I was surprised by how stunned I felt when I saw that this person whom I totally dig is "Facebook friends" with a girl (now woman) who was beyond awful to me many years ago. I am all for social media - love it, mostly - but this particular incidence of it rocked my world a little.

Anyway, it got me thinking. Obviously, people change. Maybe time and motherhood have made this woman a nicer person? Maybe she's matured and evolved and now doesn't gang up with her friends to torment someone she doesn't like?
Maybe if I had seen her at my friend's daughter's 3rd birthday party (instead of being at the hospital giving birth to Lilah) we would have chatted politely like young mothers do at parks and playgrounds. Hell, maybe she wouldn't have even remember how she treated me. Or better yet (this is how my mind works) - she would remember and then meeting me via our mutual friend would trigger remorse and regret and she would be ashamed and apologetic.

Tomorrow.

I have made some new mom friends over the past few years and will (hopefully) make more. I can say with some certainty that most of them and I would not have run in the same crowds in our teens or even twenties, in some cases. I have no way of knowing if they were nice in junior high or not. I can only see who they are now.

Today.

It's really just an elaborate way of reminding myself to live in the moment. It's a lesson worth repeating. I can already think of about 3 other ways that it applies to me right now. I think I needed it.

big day over here...

2010-09-21T15:55:00.001-07:00

Lilah is now sitting up

and

Sadie is using the "big girl" swing.

When in Rome...

2010-09-18T17:16:00.000-07:00

Here we are going with the flow recently...

In the land of All Things Disney Princess (aka Sadie's cousins' house), there's no way to avoid this:

(But you won't catch me buying tickets to Disneyland anytime soon. Or ever.)

Lilah catches naps whenever and wherever she can:

(because that's when you do when you're 5 months old and you find yourself in the dappled light of a tall tree on an absolutely perfect pre-Autumn day)

And sometimes, after a night when your toddler wakes you up 6 times between 10 PM and 3 AM, never telling you what's wrong and ends up throwing up all over the place, and you find yourself scrubbing the carpet for half an hour in the middle of the night - you let said toddler wear her jammies to your very important appointment at the junkyard in the morning and then even more important appointment at Peet's.

(and you let her have hot chocolate with whipped cream)

And when your equally bleary-eyed wife pulls out the camera to snap a picture of her 3 favorite subjects, you oblige. And even smile a little.

What's that saying? "Fake it 'til you make it"? Yeah, that's the one.

if I could have tipped him...

2010-09-14T16:53:00.001-07:00

Today with my toddler jabbering away in a cart full of groceries and my babe snug at my chest in my Ergo carrier, I lingered in the wine aisle of Trader Joe's.
Then I heard the voice of my favorite male employee there behind me say, "Sure hope you brought your ID with you, kiddo!"

Oh, Patrick...you know how to make a gal feel good.

In my *ahem* somewhat new life as "Ma'am", "Mrs." and even "Hey, lady!" - the insinuation that I might get carded for alcohol was indeed a compliment. I'll take 'em where I can get 'em.
In addition to Andrew making my coffee & helping me strap the girls into their carseats this morning, it pretty much made my day.

Although while typing this, it occurs to me that A) that's kind of sad and B) he might have been talking to Sadie...(?)

Oh well. I'll take those twenty seconds of feeling cute enough to warrant a comment like that.

Here we go, yo.

2010-09-08T22:28:00.000-07:00

So Sadie starts preschool tomorrow. We did the bagels/coffee/juicebox social last week. We did the one-hour orientation on Tuesday and met her teachers. We got her to bed early tonight and her outfit is all ready to go. In a few hours, I'll be holding her hand, walking her into her classroom, giving her a hug and a kiss, and saying "see you later, alligator."

As recently as 3 or 4 months ago, I could draw a lump in my throat just thinking about it, but lately I've been counting down the days. For some reason though, now that it's here, I have seriously mixed emotions. She's so ready. She is so excited. She's going to love it.

But we still have to get through The First Day.

The informational packet we were given at the orientation reminded me that (even though we've talked about it seemingly ad nauseum for something like a year now) "some confusion and fearfulness is common and the feelings of separation from parents are often painful and scary." Gulp. I actually hadn't considered the possibility that she might get upset tomorrow when it's time to leave her in her classroom. Up until today, I really hadn't given much thought to how that moment is going to play out.

It's new territory for both of us. We haven't done this yet. No daycare, no babysitters. The one time I was gone for a few days, she was with both Andrew and her Nana. I've left her with my parents and my sisters & sister-in-law for a couple of hours here and there, but this is a whole new ballgame. It really is strange to wrap my head around the fact that we won't be together all day. That's really all both of us have known for over 3 years. It all changes tomorrow and forever after.
School.
New friends.
New experiences.
New rules, new authority figures.
New emotions.
I'm glad we are easing into it. It's only a Tues/Thurs program and it's less than 3 hours each day.

Still, for two hours and forty-five minutes twice a week, I won't be there to answer her questions, tell her it's okay and help her clean up when she spills something, tuck her hair behind her ear when it falls in her face. I won't be able to help her blow her nose, distract & redirect her when she gets fixated on an obstacle, or remind her to use her manners. I won't witness what she says (or what is said to her) as she tries to make new friends.

I know she will do just fine in preschool. But tomorrow is a big day.

Here we go, yo.

Whip 'em Out!

2010-08-20T17:26:00.000-07:00

In honor of National Breastfeeding Month (who knew there was such a thing?!) I am re-posting this video that several friends and acquaintances have shared with me in the past few days.

I know that there are some women who cannot breast feed, and I am sorry about that. I also know that there are women who choose not to, and while I find that sad, I maintain that it's the mother's prerogative to make that choice. I'm all for encouragement, education and support, but women should not be shamed into it, nor made to feel like they are a "bad" mom if they don't want to.
Personally, I adore breastfeeding. There is simply nothing like it. Sadie nursed for almost 20 months and I'm hoping Lilah will, too. I think my favorite thing that both of them did was look up at me and smile while nursing. Amazing.

A Walk in the Woods

2010-08-14T15:28:00.000-07:00

Last week we took a short excursion "over the hill" to Felton for a little creekside walk at Fall Creek with my friend and her 2 girls.

It had been awhile since I'd been on a hike in the forest - it's so awesome. Nothing but that thick, moist silence of the redwood trees & ferns and the soft gurgling of the creek. The countless shades of green and splashes of sunlight everywhere can't be beat.

Our Butterfly Project

2010-08-14T15:01:00.000-07:00

Nana got us a "send away for caterpillars" kit some months ago
and we finally got around to it.
It was a bit strange to receive baby caterpillars in the mail, but Sadie has been very excited about it since the get-go. These little buggers ate and ate and ate and got bigger quickly. We've been marveling at their growth for about 10 days now. A few days ago they made their way up to the top of the cup and began to form their chyrsalises.

8/14/10

Today we transferred the little guys (or gals) from the plastic cup into their "butterfly house".
We gathered some twigs so that the butterflies can land on them when they emerge. One fell during the transfer & likely won't be able to continue it's metamorphosis, but there are 5 still clinging to the paper, so - fingers crossed.

I guess I'll just add photos as we go.

Success! Our first one emerged:

All 6 survived - even the one that fell during the transfer. Amazing. I kept hoping we'd catch one in the act of emerging from it's chrysalis, but we never did. Here you can see 5 of the 6 - one is hard to make out; it's on the right of the cage under the curved twig. They are Painted Lady butterflies. Sadie has named them Leslie, Fizzy, Wa-Wa, Ursula, Bella and Tink.

8/24/10

I've been putting sugar water in a little dish for them but I'm not sure they are all eating from it, so I think we need to let them loose soon. Maybe I'll try to get video of that...

I think I'm ready for preschool. (yes, ME.)

2010-08-10T14:19:00.001-07:00

Ugh.

Sadie starts preschool in a month and I think I am ready to have a break from her a couple of times a week. God, that sounds awful. I think we're ready for a break from each other a couple of times a week? Still sounds bad.

I am having a tougher time with Sadie these days that I care to admit. I don't think she's doing anything abnormal, but I seem to have completely lost my patience when it comes to dealing with her.

I sometimes start the day with her by telling her NOT to do something (dribble her cereal and milk all over her placemat, get in Lilah's face, etc.) and it makes me feel terrible. This morning I woke up to her shrieks of delight in the living room. Turns out she was playing with a balloon with Andrew. I quickly showered and joined them with Lilah, but my first interaction with Sadie was to tell her "not too loud! back off!" when she greeted her sister a bit too energetically.

It certainly doesn't help that she seems to have entered a very whiney and weepy phase for a couple of months now. I feel like I can only say "please don't whine" a certain number of times (in a row!) without completely losing my mind. And she's on some weird "I can't" kick lately- whether it's pulling down her shorts & undies to go pee or putting a cap back on a pen. I have had the "yes you can, babe! you're a kid and you're learning how to do these things. You are awesome and you can do anything!" talk with her a number of times but it doesn't seem to be working.

And oh. my. GOD. She cries all of the time! The Child Who Never Cried has turned into a waterworks fountain. I can't remember the last tear-free bed time routine we've had; it's been a while. I always chalk that up to her being too tired, but that excuse is beginning to wear on me. She cries when I brush her hair, which has become more difficult due to the wear & tear of chlorine & goggles in swimming lessons.

Man, this is sounding like such a pathetic rant. I should just stop now. I have such an aversion to complaining about being a stay-at-home-mom because I know that I'm incredibly lucky to be able to do it and that this time is seriously fleeting, but I just had to today.

Okay, done.

Preschool. Bring it on.

Equality. It should be pretty simple, folks.

2010-08-04T17:17:00.000-07:00

Prop 8 has been overturned today in California.

Frankly, I was shocked and dismayed when it passed in 2008 and am glad Judge Walker has ruled that it is unconstitutional to deny (anyone) same sex couples the right to marry.

Oh, wait! Have the H8ers forgotten that his has already been decided? Hello, Civil Rights Act of 1964.

It's really pretty simple; if two people love each other and wish to commit themselves in marriage, let them! Making marriage between 2 consenting adults illegal is preposterous. Seriously.

I'm so proud of my fellow SCU alum Paul Katami and his partner Jeff. They have been tireless and determined in their efforts and conviction to see this fear-based, hateful proposition reversed.

Now on to the Court of Appeals and eventually the Supreme Court, most likely. To decide (again) that all people deserve equal rights. Nothing worth fighting for comes easily, I suppose.

Quite a party!

2010-08-04T15:14:00.000-07:00

Sadie turned three with some fanfare...

Sunday, August 1st, 2010

My Mother Used to Say...

2010-07-21T12:28:00.000-07:00

When we'd ask "where are you going?"
She'd reply, "Crazy! Wanna come?!"
and
"I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached."

Scary, but I get both of those comments now. Totally.

Miss Fancypants Lilah Frances

2010-06-22T21:04:00.000-07:00

Snapped this pic with my phone camera last night.
Makes me smile.
Thought I'd share.

I don't really want to talk about this, but....

2010-06-17T16:52:00.000-07:00

UGH.

Potty training sucks.

I've been dreading this particular milestone. I've kind of been doing the head-in-the-sand thing, hoping she'd somehow just "get it" and knock it out of the park from the get go.
Sadie has been slightly ahead of the game with regard to lots of other developmental things, but come on. Who was I kidding?

I didn't buy a bunch of books or do hours of online research. All I did was purchase a little potty for her and start talking about it whenever I changed her diaper - something along the lines of "you know, someday you won't need diapers anymore...when you're ready, you can tell me or Daddy and we'll help you go on the potty," etc.

The ironic part about this is that Sadie decided out of the blue about a month ago that she wanted to stop wearing diapers (atypical for a toddler with a new sibling) and she is actually doing really well with it so far. I'd say she's about 95% potty trained for going pee, and somewhere around 60%-70% with poo. She seems to have a hang up about going #2 in the potty and it's driving. Me. CRAZY.
For some reason, she doesn't seem to be the slightest bit upset by going in her training pants or underwear. I thought a few accidents in her pants would serve as super duper motivation. That, and the shower of praise she gets from us when she goes in the potty. Maybe I'm just impatient.

I know I'm supposed to be nothing but supportive/positive about successes (no problem) and nonchalant about accidents (not nearly as easy) but I'm telling you, this is the biggest bummer I've encountered in parenting so far.

Miraculously, Sadie doesn't seem to be picking up on my angst. In fact, her last two poo accidents she "cleaned up herself" - which is lovely if all I was going for was independence, but actually really really not cool, as it results in frantic rubber-gloved scrubbing and copious use of Lysol by yours truly.

Sigh.

I know we're getting there. We're actually really close. I guess I just needed to vent on this one today.

I was on NPR today!

2010-06-14T20:56:00.000-07:00

Wheeee!
I used to listen to NPR all of the time in the car, but nowadays I default to the classical station.
Today, I finally tuned in while driving and they had an interesting topic on Talk of the Nation. It was an interview with a man who has a book out about how people can "click" upon meeting one another. I have definitely had that experience with several of my long time friends, and the conversations piqued my interest. As always, they were asking for callers to share their own experiences, so I called in and actually got selected to be on the air!
http://tinyurl.com/28shahz
If you have time to listen to the whole 30 minute segment, it's pretty good. I particularly liked Gary's comments from 20:34 through 23:18.
I come on at the very end of the segment - 26:55 and I got nervous, so I'm talking way too fast and adding unnecessary details, but oh well.
Here's the wedding day crack-up photo that I referenced at the very end.
I love to laugh.
I watch Ellen Degeneres sometimes and my favorite moments of her show are when she starts laughing. She likes scaring/startling people (which I am actually not a fan of) and this is a funny montage of those moments.
I could watch my Friends DVD bloopers 100x in a row and not get sick of watching those actors bust up over missed lines, etc. This is one of my all time favorite YouTube videos, for obvious reasons. You get the point.
I totally believe that laughter is greatly beneficial to life in general, but for me - it is also the glue that holds many friendships tightly together. I have some friends that I have had laughs with over the years that we still reminisce about (and often start laughing again). I have a couple of friends who swear that they laugh harder with me than with anyone else they know. Love that.

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter."
e.e. cummings

I wish you great enjoyment in your next laugh.

New hair. Not bad.

2010-06-10T08:29:00.000-07:00

There's nothing like a fresh haircut to make a gal feel reborn. I'm not a particularly stylish person and in my adulthood, my hair has become an accessory for me.
Right after college, I got my hair completely chopped off and it was very well received by friends and strangers alike. Granted, it took a few cuts to get the right look, but when I did, it was awesome. I'm a sucker for a compliment - especially about my appearance.

Then I did the terribly predictable thing and grew my hair long when I was dating my husband (even though we met & fell in love when it was short). It was at it's longest when we got married, and like a complete bonehead, I wore it up in curls instead of down & flowy - don't even get me started on my wedding hair regret. Boo hoo.
Anyway, I have cut it short a couple of times since then. For some reason, though (fear of "mom hair"?) I seem to always get the itch to let it grow out, which is a major pain because the in-between stages are not cute. I'm certain that I'll look back at my hair during my pregnancy with Lilah and say "what was I thinking?" but whatever.
It was finally long enough to let my stylist cut it into some sort of cute look and so he did. It's basically long bangs and lots of long layers around the back.

I like it.
(even though my expression doesn't show it. Smiling in self-portraits is weird)

Of course, I'll probably never spend the amount of time he did with product (thickening spray) and equipment (diffuser, boar-bristle round brush) to make it look like this, but he promised that it is an "easy" style for me to do myself that can be done a couple of different ways, and I believe him. If I have trouble, I'll go back to him and have him give me a tutorial.

So - I resisted the temptation to chop it all off (this time). I'm really glad that I know I can do the super short hair thing, because I know I will again at some point. Who says "mom hair" can't be cute?

Aaaaaahhh.....

2010-06-08T21:22:00.000-07:00

At least they know how to relax!

Sadie at 6 weeks

Lilah at 8 weeks

also this weekend...

2010-06-06T15:32:00.000-07:00

Lilah is not even close to sleeping through the night yet. We are actually going to put her in her own room already. I have mixed feelings about it; we'll see how it goes.
Anyway, mornings are a bit rough for me. But I don't mind waking up on Saturdays, knowing that Andrew will be home to help.

We needed to make the most of this particular Saturday morning, because we had 2 parties (one 3-year-old birthday and one celebrating a friend's USA citizenship) and Andrew had a race in Pacific Grove this morning which we girls were not attending.

After a bit too much time spent convincing Sadie that she needed to get dressed, we went out to indulge ourselves with Peet's coffee and pastries. I grabbed a seat with Lilah sound asleep in her car seat and Sadie joined Andrew at the counter to order. They chose banana bread and chocolate cherry bread for us to share. YUM. Andrew got his usual black coffee, Sadie had a hot cocoa with whipped cream and I had a mocha. Did I mention we were indulging? Peet's makes the best mochas, hands down - honestly, I don't know why people even bother with Starbucks.

We had about 30 minutes to chat while Sadie played with her dinosaur and Lilah snoozed. I can't recall a single thing we discussed, but being out with my family (all of us) makes me incredibly happy; I can't explain it. Well, I guess I can. I suppose it's simple pride. I like being out and about with the girls on a day to day basis - grocery shopping, running errands, etc. but something about being with Andrew and the girls fills my silly soul. We are that young family that I used to stare at and wonder, will I ever have that? And now I do. Crazy cool.

When we got home it was time to kick it into gear. I got Sadie set up to color the birthday card, wrapped the gift, packed the diaper bags with red, white & blue outfits for the citizenship party and fed Sadie some lunch. Andrew rearranged Lilah's room to accommodate the crib.

Anyway, before I knew it, it was time to head out. I was thrilled when we pulled up to the birthday party 10 minutes early.

Then I looked in the backseat:
So I parked in the shade, opened all of the doors for the perfect breeze to soothe my sleepyheads, and we were 15 minutes late to the party.

a little bit of glitter...

2010-06-06T14:07:00.000-07:00

...goes a long way!

Thanks for the fun art project, Alissa!

At our old apartment, I had one entire wall in the kitchen covered with Sadie's art projects. They were from a little art class she took at the beginning of last summer. I generally shy away from art projects that require anything beyond paper, crayons and washable marker - for fear of the mess. But I need to let loose a little, because clearly it's fun for kids to get messy while being creative. I mean, that's almost the whole point at this age, right?

What I really need to do is set up the play room so that she has the right space in which to get busy with her art.

Right; off to work on that. And clean up some glitter.

2 years, 8 months and 9 days

2010-05-17T11:21:00.000-07:00

That's the age difference between Sadie and Lilah.

I know I read somewhere in a child development book that 2 and a half years is a great age difference to aim for when having a second baby. I guess the emotional and cognitive stages that the older child is in by then are the most conducive to introducing a sibling. In our case, it seems accurate.

Everyone says that the minute you have your second child, your first child seems like a giant. So true. The first time I picked Sadie up after having Lilah, I experienced that mind warp. I had carried her into her room and tucked her into bed on the eve of her sister's birth, and about 24 hours later, she climbed onto my lap and leaned (towered) sweetly over the tiny bundle who had joined our family.

Now as I sit on the couch nursing Lilah, I marvel at my big girl as she bounds around the room pretending to be a jaguar or a butterfly, or "reading" books or narrating as she plays with her toys. Her vocabulary continues to astound me and Andrew, as does her imagination and creativity. Just yesterday I bought her a couple of plastic figurines of her choosing: a horse and a T-Rex, whom she promptly named Skork and Morla. She's particularly creative with names, which was super funny when we were trying to come up with names for Bun.

I am so grateful that she's so verbal and communicative. I don't know what I'd do if she was too young to express herself or let us know what she is thinking or feeling. Certainly this transition would be about a thousand times more difficult, which would be no fun for anyone. She also has lots of empathy and concern for Lilah - something that a younger child might not be capable of. When Lilah cries, Sadie says "maybe she needs some mama's milk" or "maybe her guts aren't feeling good". She calls her honey and sweetie and Lilah-kins and says "it's okay, baby. Mommy's coming."

We are still getting to know Lilah. She's a very different infant than Sadie was, and we are adjusting to her preferences - especially when it comes to sleep. She seems to hate being swaddled, so we have stopped that for now. It makes putting her down a bit trickier, but it was breaking my heart to see her struggle and cry. She's very vocal (aka a bit of a screamer...yikes) so we're trying very diligently to figure out what she prefers so that she gets her needs met and can trust our intentions when we're soothing her. She is starting to coo and gurgle and smile more, which is awesome. It's so rewarding, especially after some intense crying.

At this moment, both girls are in Sadie's room, where big sister is "reading" to little sister. It will be a while before they can play together or talk to each other, but I really hope that their age difference will remain "just right" for their relationship. So far, so good.

The Adjustment to Two - ha ha ha ha!

2010-05-11T16:48:00.001-07:00

This whole Mom of Two thing has got me spinning a little bit. Sometimes I just start laughing.

Like today at the park as I'm putting Sadie's sunscreen on so that she could play safely on the playground where I can keep my eye on her while I nurse Lilah, when I hear the unmistakable squirt of a diaper malfunction & the ensuing cry of an infant who needs to be changed-like, now.

Or when I'm packing up to leave the house and I'm somehow balancing two diaper bags, the carseat with Lilah in it, one of Sadie's dolls/blankets/toys, my coffee, keys, purse and cell phone as I squeeze out the back door - hoping I don't drop something or worse - trip.

I mean, I'm not completely scrambling around getting nothing done, but I do feel a constant pull in different directions - toward my talkative, inquisitive toddler who needs her hair brushed and shoes tied and comes up with questions like "what do llamas eat?" out of thin air - and toward my tiny one month old, who just needs to nurse, be held, sleep and have a clean diaper.

I'm one of four siblings and I know this is basically the mother of all cliches (pun intended) but seriously - "how did she DO it?" It rings in my head several times daily. I know some people hypothesize that it was somehow easier 35+ years ago, but I don't care what anyone says about the convenience of disposable diapers or automatic swings, etc. - caring for more than one small child is not easy. Not. Easy.

Did I say impossible? No.
Has it made me reconsider our original plan to have three? Yes.

Can I handle it? Well, that's what I'm doing so far. Check back in on me to see how I'm doing and I'll let you know. ;)

One thing I know for sure though - laughter helps.

Life is so good.

2010-04-24T19:11:00.000-07:00

Here I sit, on the eve of my 35th birthday, and I can't help but reflect and take stock on my good, good, life.

Two beautiful daughters.
A loving, supportive and appreciative husband.
Family calling and coming over to spend time with us.
Friends bringing us dinner.
Friends visiting to ooh and aah over our wee one.
Sweet little packages arriving in the mail from far and wide.
Hand written cards with lovely, joyful messages to our little family.

Big Sister Sadie is taking beyond beautifully to her new role.
Little Lilah is sleeping 4+ hour stretches at 2 weeks old.
Dishes are getting done, laundry hasn't piled up too badly yet.

Sure, I'm a little tired but oh, so full. So full of love energy.

Today I took time for chalk drawings and reading insect books with Sadie while Lilah snoozed.

Our days creep by; sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly. I am loving the opportunity to just soak it in and spend my time doing nothing but caring for my family.

I gaze adoringly at Sadie while she stands on her stool to talk to Lilah as she lies on her changing table. I watch with intense pride as she kisses her brow and talks sweetly to her sister - using a new, high pitched but very soft voice. I share her amusement as she tells me what Lilah is doing or thinking at any given moment.

I smile reflexively when my milk drunk babe's mouth twitches into an involuntary but deliciously organic smile. She is happy. She is basking in this new world, this new experience; this warmth of love we give her unconditionally. It is feeding her little soul and keeping her at peace. I can feel it; her 8.5 pound body "heavy"in my arms.

Oh, life is just *so* good.

Bun is Born!

2010-04-14T22:12:00.000-07:00

She's here!

Lilah Frances Evans joined us at 4:43 on Friday April 9th, 2010 (although she wasn't named until Sunday morning). She was a full 12 days past her "due date". Maybe we should have named her Patience. ;)

She weighed in at a modest 7 pounds and 13 ounces and was measured at 19 and a half inches.

It was another marathon labor and delivery. Who says second babies come faster? I was up at 5 am on Thursday with irregular but intense contractions which continued throughout the day and into the evening. We put Sadie to bed at about 8:30 and decided to commit to getting labor going in earnest.

Boy howdy.

Long story short, I labored at home with Andrew and our FABULOUS friend and doula extraordinaire, Kerri Kastle until about 3 AM. Unfortunately, I was struggling. I was shaking, having hot & cold spells, and vomiting after particularly long/hard contractions. Off to the hospital we went.

I was stoked to learn that I was at 6cm once we were all checked in and assigned a room. By 8:00 am, I was at 8.5 cm and ready to meet this baby.

Apparently my womb is a pretty chill place, because Bun did not want to come out. We finally allowed a Pitocin drip, which kicked my contractions up a few notches (I don't want to talk about it) but the baby still was not "coming down". Eventually someone had the genius idea to break my water, which put me into overdrive and she literally shot out in 2 pushes. It was INSANE. But I survived. ( I'm not gonna lie; those last few minutes there, I kinda thought I might die.)

So there you have it. There are more details, etc. but I needed to post something before more time slips by.

We are hunkering down and trying to figure out this family of 4 thing. Big Sister Sadie is amazingly sweet and excited about Lilah, and the little one is sleeping and eating like a complete champ.

We are blessed and we know it.

more pictures at j9evans.shutterfly.com

in the last few days before our Bun arrives...

2010-04-07T17:45:00.001-07:00

I thought I'd post a few pictures of our little family of 3 before this baby arrives (who is currently 10 days "late")
Here we go:

Daddy + swing = happy girl!

Walking with Uncle Justin and Daddy

Sadie with her cousins Lucy and Annie on Easter

40 weeks and 8 days

a kiss from big sis

when it's 75 degrees in March...

2010-03-28T18:33:00.001-07:00

you've just got to:

Good or Goody Two Shoes?

2010-03-24T21:46:00.000-07:00

"Is she always this...sweet?" asked the lady at the hospital gift shop when Sadie calmly put the toys back on the shelf when I told her it was time to go.

"She" would be Sadie, and the answer is...um, yes.

My question is, Is that unequivocally a good thing?

I keep hearing about and witnessing nightmare toddler meltdowns but for some reason we just haven't been hit with those. Yet. I keep saying "yet" when it comes up because I don't want to jinx myself.

So far, we have not seen the Jekyll/Hyde phenomenon of when a 2-3 year old simply loses it over some seemingly insignificant thing like being offered the "wrong" towel after bath time or cutting apple slices instead of giving it whole, etc. (knock on wood)

Don't get me wrong - she does get frustrated when she "can't" do something like get the cap snapped back on her marker, or untangle the string from her Trader Joe's balloon. In instances like those, she has strained her voice and stamped her feet, but I just tell her, "Hey, don't freak out - do you want me to help you?" (sometimes yes, sometimes no) and it's done.

She also has what I would consider a pretty normal amount of difficulty with adversity. If a kid takes something away from her or gets on the gym/playground equipment that she had her eye on, she will sometimes burst into tears. Again, though - she's so easy to calm down or distract that it never really amounts to anything.

I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm making her into too much of a "pleaser" and somehow stifling the need we all have sometimes to "lose it" over something that, although most others can't understand, is important to us in the moment. All of the research I've seen says that kids this age simply need the little storms to get over things that upset them - that the release is good for their development, both cognitively and emotionally.

Am I suppressing that innate need for her? I know that she picks up most of her ideas from me, as I'm with her basically 24/7, so I need to keep myself in check so that she doesn't automatically acquire all of my opinions, judgments, feelings, etc. She's very in-tune and doesn't miss much. If I so much as sigh in frustration at say, having missed a green light, she is right behind me, asking "what, mommy, what?"

Just the other day, we were in Babies R Us shopping for a couple of friends' upcoming baby showers and a very young girl (about a year old, give or take) was wailing. Sadie said, "she's crying, mama. She's crying." Yes, honey, she is. "Why is she crying, mama?" I'm not sure honey, I said, while quickly wheeling our cart away so that the other mom wouldn't be self-conscious. Maybe she's tired, or hungry or wants to be held.

Sadie thought about it for a second and then said, "Or maybe she's just being a brat."

Um, gulp.

When did I "teach" her that (sometimes) crying is being a brat? I honestly don't remember doing that, but I must have said it about someone, somewhere, sometime. Maybe I'm laying on the "be a good girl/nice girl" thing way too thick. I know that at some point in my early years, a mantra that my mom bestowed on me was that "a nice girl is a pretty girl; a pretty girl isn't always a nice girl." Good advice, on the face of it, I think. But I'd be lying if I said I haven't wondered over the years why I am obsessed with people liking me and why all of my mad crushes turned into best friend-type friendships versus boyfriends.

I guess there's my answer - only time will tell. But I'm still going to try to watch what kinds of lessons I'm inadvertently teaching her about how to behave - especially when she's upset.

Any advice, mamas out there?

with one week to go...

2010-03-21T17:23:00.000-07:00

I'm officially 39 weeks pregnant and it's kind of funny to see the reactions on people's faces when I tell them that I'm due "next weekend". Hee.

I don't think I've "dropped" yet. I'm not waddling or icing my back for sciatica or anything like that. I am, however, having a bit of difficulty sleeping. Not because of discomfort, but because once I wake up, I can't settle my mind back down.

Labor looms.

You see, I'm super duper ultra incredibly whole-heartedly determined to birth this baby without a bunch of medically unnecessary interventions. I keep telling people that sure, if my L&D had gone smoothly last time, epidural included, I'd probably be on board to do it again that way.

But it didn't.

With Sadie, I labored at home for something like 16 hours - from waking up at 4 am with the most intense cramping I've ever felt to progressing to the point of vomiting after really big contractions by about 2 PM. By 8:00 that night I decided to go in - mostly thinking that getting an IV for hydration would be wise. To say that I was discouraged to learn that I'd only dilated 3 cm when I finally did check in is a gross understatement. I didn't realize that my mind and body would freeze up and "stop" my labor once I got crossed the threshold of the automatic doors at the hospital.

Let me tell you that being told at 6:00 AM - after 24 hours of laboring successfully with Andrew and our awesome doula - that I was "no longer in active labor" and my "choices were A) go home or B) get induced to get labor going again" was not cool.
I now know with firsthand experience that first babies normally, naturally and typically take a really really long time. Oh, how I wish I'd had the wisdom and fearlessness to say really? you want me to go home or let you pump me full of chemicals that will give me artificial and insanely, mind-bogglingly more painful, artificial "contractions"?! Okay, see ya! and walked out the door.

But, alas.

I was 12 days "late", and scheduled for what I thought was a mandatory induction in less than 48 hours anyway. I caved and let them start the pitocin drip. I still can't adequately describe the blinding and utterly shocking difference in the quality and quantity of pain I experienced between my own, natural contractions, and the ones that kept coming wave after wave through that little plastic tube into my arm. I lasted about 2 hours on that before starting to vomit again. And again. And again.

Frustration times a million. Tears. Profanity. White-knuckling the tray I was bent over for support. Defeat.

Epidural. (after 2 unsuccessful attempts - don't even get me started on that)

Brief numbness. 2 hour nap. Needed that. Wake up to dead, heavy legs and pain, pain, pain in my abdomen at every contraction (which are coming one after another now, as they cranked up the pitocin while I was asleep) Unable to move or change my position was surreal. Almost claustrophobic in a way. Not to mention frightening as the pain progressed and the staff tried to figure out what to do. It's not a good feeling knowing that the head of Anesthesia has been called for a conference in the hallway outside your room.

Talk of C-Section. But how to numb me? I have a well-documented but rare, funky allergy to anesthesia(s) - specifically one used in "quick/emergency type surgeries". Anesthesiologist has concocted a special serum just for me, just for this scenario.
But I don't want a C-Section. No.

Andrew almost shouts, Everyone can just STOP saying C-Section RIGHT NOW.

I love my husband. Oh how I love my husband.

Meanwhile, my mom has been insisting that someone check my progress for several hours, to no avail.

Can't I push yet? Will someone please check me to see if I can push yet?
Finally someone checks. "Oh, she's at 10." Looks at me, surprised for some reason. "Would you like to try pushing on your next contra-"

YYYYEEEEESSSS! And Sadie emerged at 9 and a half pounds about an hour later. Indescribable relief, exhaustion.
And love at first sight, of course.

So, yeah. Labor looms. In both good and bad ways.

I think I'm equal parts eager/excited and anxious/worried. I'm trying hard to find time each day to calm my mind and think deeply on the fact that I can do this. It's just too bad that these moments seem to come in the middle of the night when I wake up to roll over or get up to go to the bathroom...again. The variables attributed to second and subsequent births make it hard for me to feel totally confident and prepared, but I'm working on it.

I know that I'm not reinventing the wheel. I love the simple, beautiful fact that millions upon millions of women have done and continue to do this every single hour of every single day all over the world. (just not-so-much in America! the stats on birth in this country are astounding, but I won't get into that)
Suffice it to say that I only know a handful of women in my own social circle who have done it. So to me, in a way, it's a prestigious club that I admit - I want to join.
Yeah, I've heard the whole "you don't get a medal" rationale, and I already know not to allow myself to feel like a failure if I don't manage to do it, but still...

I really, really, want to. That's all there is to it.

Then and Now

2010-03-17T20:52:00.000-07:00

Bean Belly Paint (Sadie) July 2007

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Bun Belly Paint (yet to be named) March 2010

Jenny's Light Kids Fun Run - Sunday, March 7th

2010-03-15T18:44:00.000-07:00

Great cause, great weather, great fun!
Sadie had an absolute blast "wunning the wace". The ribbon and water bottle were icing on the cake.
:)
Here are our pics:

Pre-race with Aunt Jill and Aunt JoJo

Nervous?

Mama and Sadie

aaaaaand, they're off!

bringing up the rear - 2nd to last!

The Finish Line is in sight!

my ribbon for "wunning the wace!"

Celebrating with a bagel.

Does YOUR Nana do this?!

2010-03-14T15:59:00.000-07:00

I have to do some bragging here.

Sadie's Nana (Andrew's mom) has struck again and I just have to share her latest awesomeness. She sends stickers and cards in the mail like countless other long-distance grandmothers do, but our Nana takes it a few steps further. For example, here's a letter she sent to Sadie last May.

After having been here for a visit at the beginning of February - when she spent every waking hour playing with and reading to Sadie - except when she was cleaning our stove top and toaster oven (!?!?!) she went home and created this:

She's probably going to be embarrassed that I posted this, but it's too wonderful not to show off, in my opinion. I think she was inspired by one of the library books that Sadie wanted to read ad nauseum called "I Like it When" and she may want to credit a friend or two of hers who are uber creative and helped her start making these special projects, but whatever - the bottom line is that she took the time to do this for Sadie. It blows me away and I had to document it.

I know it's really hard on her being so far away from Andrew and Sadie, and I know that she thinks of these things as simple little tokens, but I think we all know that they are SO much more. I can't get into the scrap booking thing, and I've even slacked on Sadie's baby book, so to me - these are treasures. I have to come up with an airtight system to save/store/protect them so that they will last a lifetime.

Sadie is so blessed to have all 4 grandparents alive and full of love for her. They each bring something unique and wonderful into her life. And it certainly doesn't hurt that one of them just so happens to be a retired schoolteacher! Wouldn't you agree?

oh, blog - how I miss thee!

2010-03-10T15:47:00.000-08:00

I am in blog withdrawal!

Our office (aka desk, my computer, etc.) is not set up at our new place yet so I haven't been able to upload photos or sit and compose any posts lately. (well, I've started a couple draft-posts, so those will eventually show up, out of order, but I digress...)

Andrew's computer is on the floor in the living room, and while I have been checking it for email, I usually can't/won't stay there for very long, as it's pretty uncomfortable for me at this stage of the game.

I wanted to at least send a shout out to anyone who reads this to say "hi" and "no, I haven't dropped off the face of the Earth!"

I will post soon - I have some great shots of Sadie to share, as well as some sweet ones of Bun (in the belly).

xoxo
Janine

Missed Opportunity?

2010-03-05T17:17:00.001-08:00

This is just what Sadie did one day when we stopped in to find a maternity shirt for me. She was talking to the little girl mannequin, trying to hold her hand, etc.
At first I was embarrassed, thinking "oh, man...my kid needs some more friends!" but then I realized she was just imagining and pretending and having fun. So I busted out my camera and started clicking.
Apparently, Old Navy was having a contest for a mannequin/human model poses. If I'd known, I think I might have submitted a couple of these.

Sadie's Half Birthday present...to me.

2010-02-01T14:23:00.000-08:00

Today is Sadie's half-birthday.
She surprised me by softly calling "Mama?" at 6:55 AM - a good 2 hours earlier than her normal wake-up time. I went in to her room, admittedly hoping that I'd be able to adjust her blanket and tell her it was still night time, despite the dawn light. She had other plans. She asked, "can we have a little snuggle?" so off to the couch we went.
I tried to position myself as comfortably as possible, which was tricky - how do you get cozy with with a toddler splayed out on an 8-month-pregnant belly?

We managed.

We even both fell asleep for a little while.

Two and a half.
In so many ways, she seems older than that. She's always been tall, but recently it seems that she's maturing at an astounding pace. She has so much to say, such thoughtful observations, a keen interest in new vocabulary, a great deal of empathy, and what appears to be a genuine interest in what life has to offer. She has dropped her afternoon nap, but we are still doing "quiet time", which usually amounts to a couple of hours worth of her happily chirping away with her stuffed animals in her crib.
We know that when Bun arrives, Sadie is going to look and seem like a giant!
But holding her relaxed, sleeping body across mine this morning allowed me to savor these precious few days I have left with her as my "baby".

ah, the subtle differences...

2010-01-28T12:01:00.001-08:00

I'm madly trying to pick up/organize/clean our apartment
for Nana's arrival tonight.
One of the obvious tasks is to put away Sadie's toys so that there is room
to walk around without the peril of tripping.
Just now, I came across this - tucked neatly under the coffee table:

Clearly, Andrew was the last one to put Sadie's blocks away.
I don't think they were even like this when we got them!

Mission: Ice Skating with an almost 2.5 year old. Outcome: FAIL.

2010-01-26T16:35:00.000-08:00

Sadie was *so* excited about this little adventure...
that is, until her skates hit the ice.
I guess it was a bit premature.
Rookie mom.

Fresh Start 2010

2010-01-16T17:01:00.001-08:00

YAY!

We're moving! We're MOVING!!!
No, we haven't bought a home (much to my parents' chagrin) but we're
M-O-V-I-N-G!
I still kind of can't believe it.
Andrew and I moved into our little 2 bedroom apartment a stone's throw from downtown Mtn. View over 5 and a half years ago. We had already outgrown it when we were expecting Sadie, but we've made it work just fine for the past 2 and a half years.
With Bun's due date looming, we decided it was a priority to find a place with more space. We've been looking at rental houses all over the South Bay area for a couple of months, feeling hopeful and determined. Hopeful that we'd find something we really liked for a good price, with good landlords, etc. and determined not to stress about it.
Well, the stars aligned and voila! - we found a cute little house just on the other side of our beloved downtown for only a few hundred more dollars than what we pay now. It's almost too good to be true.

It's definitely funky/old/a bit odd, but I still can't believe all of the little aspects that make it such a sweet deal:

3 bedrooms (one's teeny tiny, but that's all Bun needs)
2 bathrooms (oh, bliss)
gas stove (I think every other rental we looked at had a junky old electric stove)
central heat (no more banging & pinging in the middle of the night from a wall heater)
a big playroom for Sadie
indoor laundry (w/d included)
2 car garage (that we will NOT fill with junk this time...ahem!)
2 cute little parks within walking distance
very close to the bike trail that Andrew takes to work
very near our dear friends A & G (who are expecting their first baby in June)
still walking distance to downtown
awesome landlords

and the best part:

it's a month-to-month rental, so we didn't have to sign a year of our life away on a lease! We'll be able to continue to get all of our ducks in a row or whatever and still inch toward the goal of home ownership.

That's the part I'm hoping will assuage my mom, dad and anyone else who has been humming the refrain, "now's the time to buy! this is it! rates will never be lower!" etc. (which, for what it's worth, has been ringing in my ears for...oh, about 2 and a half years now.)

Jeez...new car, new home, new baby on the way. I like the way 2010 is shaping up so far.

I heart this article!

2010-01-11T11:18:00.000-08:00

I'm on the opposite coast from Park Slope, Brooklyn, but I have totally noticed/experienced this phenomenon.
Actually, certain aspects of this topic are even sort of an "elephant in the room" issue amongst my own working vs. stay-at-home mom friends. (Let alone my single or childless-by choice or not-friends.)
I can honestly say that I had absolutely NO idea that becoming a mother would entail anything like this. I mean, seriously? Having to be defensive about my choice to be a mom (especially a stay-at-home mom) and then worrying that people think I am tossing around some sense of entitlement about it? Having to feel like I owe strangers apologies for taking an extra few seconds to wriggle a stroller through a coffee shop door (9 times out of 10 without any help offered)? Getting glared at for being in someone's way on the sidewalk for a moment while my toddler stops to crouch down and check out an ant or an acorn or a leaf?

I guess I'm not old enough yet to say that nothing surprises me.

http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2009/11/22/mommy_hate/index.html

"Everybody Hates Mommy" by Lynn Harris

*

double diss

2010-01-08T18:08:00.000-08:00

Ugh.
Sadie just got SO dissed by her little 5 year old neighbor friend.
It started out perfectly - a soft knock on the door just as Sadie was waking up from her nap, K's sweet face asking if Sadie could play. Sadie was delighted to wake up to a playmate and was immediately all smiles and giggles.
The two of them got into a few of Sadie's toys and then K asked if they could do Play-Doh. So I set them up in the kitchen and started prepping for dinner while they smushed and rolled and poked at the colorful blobs I had set in front of them.
Sadie adores this little girl, but rarely interacts with her, as there are 3 other older kids in our complex who often pull K's focus. They all race around on their bikes and razor scooters while Sadie watches and plays with her chalk or hula hoop.
Sure enough, a few minutes into Play-Doh time, M, one of the older girls (mind you she's only 8) knocked on our door and asked if K could come out to play.
(you've gotta love the audacity of small children)
I said, "Well, K is here playing with Sadie right now, but you're welcome to come and join them, if you'd like." She mumbled something about not wanting to, and K jumped out of her seat to go with the older, clearly more appealing M. I said to K, "do you want to stay and play with Sadie?" and she said "no, I want to go outside because I'm bored."
Ouch.
Thank God Sadie is still too young to understand well enough to get her feelings hurt, but I was stung. I'd better grow some thicker skin if I think I'm going to survive the grade school and middle school and *gulp* high school years, watching my sweet girl navigate through the perilous ups and downs of girlhood.
Ugh.
Serious dread.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

2009-12-25T22:56:00.001-08:00

Our Christmas Card Photo:

Perfectly Content with a Hula Hoop and a Tea Set from Santa:

Our Little Elf Sadie Looking Quite Grown Up:

Super Cheesy Mama & Sadie Smushed Faces Happy Picture:

Light a candle.

2009-12-19T09:50:00.000-08:00

On December 19, 2007, Jennifer and Graham Gibbs Bankston tragically passed away.
Jenny suffered silently with postpartum depression but her symptoms could have been detected and treated. Jenny's Light was created by her family to be a source of information, hope and inspiration. We strive to stop this type of tragedy from happening to others. The mission of Jenny's Light is to improve and save lives by increasing awareness of all perinatal mood disorders including postpartum depression.

Light a candle.
Hug your loved ones.
Call a friend you're thinking about.

If you know any new mothers, ask them how they are doing.
Really ask. And then listen.
Offer and give a little support if you can. Perhaps you can spare an hour to sit with the baby so that mom can take a shower or a nap. Bring a meal? Do an errand for her? Even a small gesture could make a huge difference.
Especially this time of year.

Rest in peace, Jenny and Graham. You're in my thoughts.

Catch Up

2009-12-16T16:05:00.001-08:00

Okay, now that little Ruby is home-sweet-home in Montana, I can refocus. (I was *really* preoccupied with that little one's situation!)

Thanksgiving in MA was wonderful. I am one of those rare, lucky individuals whose got mutual adoration with the in-laws going on. Seriously. Lucky. We stayed for 8 nights and really enjoyed ourselves the whole time.
Nana had art projects for Sadie:

Uncle Justin and Daddy got to reminisce with 30+ year old toys (Legos, Matchbox cars and marbles):

Sadie fell in love with a bunch of her second cousins:

We even got to see some sheep at Nana and Papa's friends' house:

We returned on December 1st and had to kick it into high gear for Christmas prep. We have a cute little tree which Sadie adores:

We've introduced the whole "Santa" thing as well as the concept of Baby Jesus. Funny story - my mom was with me when I had a chance to talk to Sadie about Christmas being Baby Jesus' birthday. I said something like "his mama is Mary, and she had a little boy." Sadie just looked at me and then cocked her head to the side and said, "No, mama. Mary had a little lamb."

She's loving the lights, decorations, trees, music, etc. this year. It's fun to watch. This will be a memorable holiday for us with her.

distracted

2009-12-10T09:21:00.001-08:00

I sat down to update my blog (I've neglected it so!) this morning but got sidetracked catching up on a few of my favorite blogs that I read.
Turns out one of the gals in Montana that I follow has been going through hell with her new baby. I'm feeling for her and her family big time.
So, I'll have to attempt an update later.

snuggle-icious

2009-11-17T16:34:00.000-08:00

A request I've been getting from Sadie a lot lately is, "Can we have a little snuggle?"

Music to my ears.

I try to drop anything I'm doing and indulge her (and myself), because I know this time is fleeting. Sometimes it's just a few seconds, but other times, like this morning - it was the better part of half an hour that she just wanted to be held on the couch, wrapped in her "cozy" blanket, with a few of her stuffed animal friends. Heaven. She didn't talk much, but she let out several deep sighs and she looked straight into my eyes and grinned a bunch of times too. I smoothed her hair and kissed her head over and over and over. I was so glad that we didn't need to be anywhere.
I don't know why she needed such an extended snuggle today, but I was more than happy to partake. I hope with all of my might that moments like those get cemented somewhere deep within her little psyche so that she will always, always know how loved and cherished she is. I feel confident that I'll never forget how this love feels, but what if she does?

This brings me to my musings about how little time we have together - just the two of us & Daddy - before Bun arrives in the Spring. I know there is plenty of potential to over-think and over-analyze the situation. I also know there are numerous books on the topic of how to handle the introduction of a new sibling to a toddler. I haven't gone there yet. I'm just trying to hold onto the way things are, while consistently reminding her about the baby in a positive, excited way. So far, she seems genuinely happy about becoming a big sister. She says matter-of-factly, "it's a girl baby, Mama" no matter how many times I tell her "well, it could be a boy baby in there. We don't know yet - it will be a surprise for us." She usually continues by saying "I will hold her in my lap, and look at her." Really cute. Lately she's been seeing things in stores and saying "oh! the baby will like this! Shall we get it for a present for her?" It all seems a little too good to be true. I'll take it for now, but as Andrew says, "It's really sweet, but let's hope she still feels that way when she has to deal with a new baby 24/7."

One of my best friends, M, admitted to me once that she cried earnestly the night before her second son was born because she was overcome with emotion about how this was going to change her relationship forever between her and her first son. Admittedly, M is one of my "mom guru" friends whose every word about motherhood is like gold to me, but I remember thinking how interesting this particular admission was and how undoubtedly true it must be for many moms. And yet I don't think I'd ever heard anyone say it before.

Until today.
I came across an article in my online subscription to Mothering magazine entitled "And Baby Makes Four". I thought I'd mostly heard it all, and it basically always boiled down to one point: you don't know how you're going to love another child as much as #1, but somehow in that magical mother way, you just do.

While I believe that, I also know that the adjustment is real, and it is a big change for all involved, no matter how you slice it. Here's one nugget that I'd like to share from the article, written by Natalia Swenson Parker of Ellensburg, WA.

I don't think there's enough good literature that effectively addresses how difficult it is to lose the dyadic relationship between a mother and her firstborn. It's painful-for both of you-to lose the exclusivity that, up until now, has been a hallmark of your entire time together. Feeling sad about this loss is normal, and doesn't mean that you love your second child any less than you love your first. Grief over the loss of the past is to be expected and permitted at such a time of major adjustment.

Amen, sister. I know I'm headed for these feelings in a major way - technically, I'm already feeling them! So, I'm glad to have this logic implanted early.
It may sound ludicrous to many that the mother of a newborn baby might need to grieve anything, but if you ask me, it's just one more real example of how complex of a life change motherhood is, and how important it is to allow new moms to have their feelings - whatever they may be - instead of expecting them to be full of nothing but ethereal, unwavering bliss.

For now, I am going to focus on savoring my one-on-one time with Sadie. Soaking up this snuggling phase she's into right now is just about perfect.

The end of an era...

2009-11-15T21:31:00.001-08:00

Tonight I sent an email to my 3 siblings that has left me a little sad. I made something official that-although we are all in agreement on-feels like a surrender of sorts.

We will not be throwing our annual Saunders Christmas Party this year.

We've been co-hosting this event with the support and generous hospitality of our parents for 15 years. Well, this would have been the 15th year, anyway.

There are a handful of reasons why it doesn't make sense for us to have it anymore - one of them being the fact that Joanne will still be in New Zealand next month. In fact, she likely won't be home until next Fall, but that's a whole 'nother bag of beans.
It's actually been a bit of a feat to pull off for the last few years, and Jill has been wanting to throw in the towel on it for some time. She's graciously gone along with it and helped in every aspect, though, for which I am grateful. John's familial obligations have dwarfed his involvement in party prep for a few years now, but he's always come through (with coolers, driveway lighting, extra bins for trash & recycling, and usually way too much beer & alcohol) on the morning of the party.

Between the four of us, our guest list has swelled into the triple digits and at this point, the guests' ages span four generations.
I have looked forward to seeing familiar faces each year, and I am almost positive that I've met someone new every year, too. Last year we raised our glasses to toast the engagement of a couple who met at our Christmas party only a couple of years before.

We've popped bottles of champagne and had Beirut tournaments.
We've run out of food & ordered pizzas.
We've had fires in the fireplace and put floating candles in the pool.
We've served Skippy and Puppy Chow.
I've worn heels some years and slippers other years.
Each year we collected donations for Sacred Heart Services.

I guess I could go on and on. I just wanted to acknowledge the end of an era of sorts. It had to happen sometime, I suppose, and life will go on just fine. But, I'll miss it.

And we never got around to executing Joanne's idea of wearing really bad Christmas sweaters!

where's my baby belly?

2009-11-12T11:50:00.000-08:00

um....yeah. I'm over 5 months pregnant now and I still only have my little, mushy post Sadie belly that I lovingly refer to as my "buddha".
I'm one of those women who loved being pregnant and looked forward to doing it again. I was thrilled to continually hear the conventional wisdom that "you pop out immediately when you get pregnant a second time". I couldn't wait.
Well...
WHERE'S MY BELLY?!
I even went and bought one of those dippy shirts that says "expecting". I'm glad there weren't any "I'm not fat. I'm pregnant." ones (which I have always detested) because I can't be totally sure that wouldn't have bought one of those, too!
I know, I know - I'm saving lots of money on maternity clothes and I should enjoying this time and be glad that I'm not enormous and uncomfortable, blah blah.
But I want my baby belly! I want it. There, that's all.
Okay, I'm done whining.

some shots from our Halloween 2009

2009-11-06T23:29:00.000-08:00

Our Jack O'Lanterns

Sadie at a Halloween Event

Sadie Trick or Treating; pretending to be scared

Our costume for my cousin's engagement party

get it?

The Happy Couple - Medusa and Santa!

a pre-Halloween trip to the ER

2009-11-06T22:38:00.000-08:00

Sadie got mysteriously sick last Friday. It started with her losing her lunch (in the car, which was pretty horrendous) and I figured she'd just eaten something that didn't agree with her. So I didn't think too much of it when I gave her some water while we were waiting for Andrew's car to get detailed and she threw that up with the rest of lunch. I thought, "okay, that's the rest of it; I'll let her rest and give her some Pedialyte when we get home."
Well, less than an hour after that, when the car was done, she threw up again. At this point, there was nothing left in her stomach, but I covered the backseat with plastic anyway and had to pull over twice on the way home to wipe her mouth & brow and promise her we'd be home soon and that she'd be okay.
I decided to keep a log of how often she was throwing up and quickly realized we had a problem on our hands. She started throwing up every 15 minutes like clockwork and was clearly exhausted, frustrated, and generally miserable. I know that dehydration is a huge worry for little ones, so I called the advice nurse to ask when I could start giving her sips of Pedialyte. After hearing all of my responses to the litany of questions they ask, she wanted to get the doctor's opinion and the consensus was that we were to bring her to the ER. I certainly wasn't going to argue with her, but it did seem a little extreme, since her one and only symptom was vomiting. She had no fever, no diarrhea, no rash, she was not limp, listless, non-responsive or blue in the face. (Mind you, I was glad to answer "no" to all of these things, but I was thinking "jeez, lady - I'd be at the ER already if she was floppy and discolored!!!")
Anyway, it was clear that she was indeed dehydrated and would likely need an IV for fluids. We left for the hospital the minute Andrew got home from work and were processed very quickly. Meanwhile, poor Sadie was still on her 15 minute regimen. Awful.
The nurse failed an IV on one hand, so he had to do the other side, which sucked but Sadie was very brave. We distracted her as best we could and then she said "ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! OW!" and cried a little while he jabbed the needle into her vein and squeezed her arm to take blood samples and taped the splint on, etc. She never pulled away or screamed or thrashed or anything. Talk about trust. Amazing.
When the doctor finally made his appearance, his best guess at a diagnosis was that it was intussusception, and immediately ordered a fluoroscopy enema procedure to get x-rays of her intestines. So, she had to endure that. Thank God Andrew was with us, because I couldn't stay with her for that-since pregnancy and radiation don't mix. Once again, she handled it amazingly well. The radiologist was floored. She told us that whenever she gets these cases and hears that the patient is 2 or 3 years old, she just cringes because she knows what's coming. She says she has a quick meeting with the parents to let them know what they're in for (screaming, the child having to be held down, etc.) We had nothing like that. Sadie squirmed (of course) at first and then when they filled her with the fluid, she said "take it out, take it out, take it out!" but she didn't need to be held down or anything. She did throw up again during the procedure, so the doc ordered some anti-nausea medication for her IV.
Once that kicked in, we finally were able to give her a few sips of Pedialyte every 5 minutes. Poor thing was completely parched. She'd been asking us for water for almost 5 hours at this point! Thankfully, she kept that down, but the doctor was only cautiously optimistic. The anti-nausea medication he gave her was very strong, so he wasn't surprised that she wasn't throwing up the Pedialyte. He released us on the condition that if she threw up once the medication wore off, that we'd bring her straight back in. He was baffled that the test results/x-rays of her belly came back negative. He said her symptom(s) were completely consistent with an intussusception diagnosis. He told us he was surprised but relieved, as it's a pretty serious condition which very frequently requires surgery. He apologized for not having an answer for us, but honestly, we didn't care - as long as she was feeling better! In fact, once the Pedialyte hit her system, she perked up considerably. She even started goofing around, making a "scared Halloween face". I happened to have my camera in my bag, so we got these shots:

Crazy kid. She's such a nut.
She slept the whole night through and had low energy & appetite for 48 more hours, but by Monday night she was 100% back to normal.
1st ER trip down! YES!

Just your average Sunday night dinner...

2009-10-26T22:16:00.000-07:00

Every Sunday I look forward to a home cooked meal - and not my own! Our entire family has a standing invitation to come for a weekly dinner at my parents' house (mom just needs a headcount on Saturday or by Sunday morning) and I try never to miss it. It's a great way for us to get together and catch up for a few hours. We have laughs and serious talks. Sometimes we talk about the weather and we generally avoid politics. We share, we listen, we wonder and we muse together. I absolutely love that Sadie gets this fundamental exposure to family communion - not to mention table manners & amazing food!

My mother has always been an incredible cook. My dad teases her that more often than not, if someone likes something she's made, "they'd better enjoy it because they'll never have it again." This is because she rarely makes the same thing twice. She's the type of cook who will experiment by swapping ingredients or adding her own touch to things that sound good to her.

There are always at least 3 courses (appetizer, main dish and dessert) and she covers all food groups, using fresh, healthy ingredients. My dad has a well stocked wine cellar and is wonderfully generous with us, so we get the additional bonus of having an excellent bottle of wine or two with dinner.

Here's where you might get the wrong idea if you don't know me and my family. We aren't the "dress-for-dinner, crystal, silverware and cloth napkin" type of diners - in fact, in the summer, we frequently use paper plates and sit outside still wrapped from the waist down in towels with damp bathing suits and bare feet. My dad is quite skilled on the BBQ, and we are frequently treated to delights like tiger prawns, cedar-plank salmon, grilled veggies from the garden, lamb, and custom sausages made from the returns from my dad's hunting trips, etc. as well as rotisserie chicken, grass-fed beef burgers, and more standard BBQ chicken, ribs, and the like.
My mom is also really inventive with salads, so we get delicious concoctions with all sorts of vegetables, fruits, lettuces, nuts, cheeses and dressings all of the time.
In addition to being an excellent cook, my mom is also an incredibly savvy grocery shopper (a skill I wish to God could be hereditary) so she'll bust out things like Alaskan King crab legs "because they were on sale" at some grocery store or another. Incidentally, my sister Jill has totally picked up this skill and usually finds coupons and sales which inform her meal choices. I need to get on that train.

I love our family tradition of Sunday Night Dinner. We are so spoiled. Over the years I've come to appreciate how much love and effort goes into these meals and I'm so grateful for the time we spend around the dinner table together. My parents are also wonderful hosts, so I've enjoyed inviting friends to our Sunday night dinners and will continue to do so. I keep swearing that "one day" when we have a house and a reasonable kitchen, I will return the favor whenever possible.

Anyway, I am definitely starting to ramble here, but this week's dinner inspired me to jump up and take pictures before we dug in to eat. Here's what we had:

baked acorn squash with some brown sugar butter drizzle
insanely moist corn bread
grilled pork tenderloin
fresh veggie salad with edamame, tomato, red onion, and corn
fruit salad with orange, pineapple, pear and pomegranate seeds
and pecan cups for dessert

Goodbye Shaggy Town

2009-10-14T17:07:00.001-07:00

This little haircut was SO overdue!

Mama got one too; but who wants to see pictures of that? ;)

getting back on the Spanish train

2009-10-13T22:12:00.000-07:00

The Silicon Valley is a major melting pot of cultures. In our city alone, I consistently hear English, French, German, Russian and Spanish being spoken. It's been bugging me that I don't have another language to speak with Sadie. We had early and very exciting success with sign language with her, which was awesome. But that pretty much came to a screeching halt once she started speaking in 2 and 3 word "sentences" at about 16 months.
Andrew learned French in school and I learned Spanish. Unfortunately, we both have gotten terribly rusty, primarily due to lack of use. Andrew has picked up (and retained) a lot of Spanish words and phrases merely by living here for over a decade now, and I know he'd like to get better at it.
So, I have decided I'm going to make a serious effort to dust off my second language skills and get back on the Spanish speaking train. I may or may not be able to teach it to Sadie, but I know I will enjoy having my conversational skills back. I figure we have 2 things going for us. First, we enjoy being able to speak another language and second, we both seem to have a propensity for it.

Over the weekend we bought strawberries from a Mexican man who was selling them in our neighborhood and it was fun to talk to him. I have always enjoyed surprising native speakers with a decent exchange - especially looking as gringa as I do. This man was impressed with my pronunciation and once I told him that I am 25% Mexican, he said that my heritage explained it.

I have dozens of relatives in Mexico, as my maternal grandfather was from Delicias, Chihuahua. Recently I've been having instant message conversations with one of my second cousins who is 5 years my senior. It is so fun to chat with him because we just correct each other's grammar with no judgement whatsoever. It's an added bonus to be doing it over the computer, because I'm a visual learner, so seeing the words spelled out will help me remember them. I hope.
I'm going to borrow a book from a friend who teaches high school Spanish and I'm going to hit up my local bilingual aunt - who teaches Spanish at the middle school level - for ideas. I don't think I'll join a conversation group or take a course at a nearby community college yet, but those both seem like logical progressions from this point. I also intend to talk to my friend and fellow blogger C who took a class with her husband after being inspired by how beautifully their daughter was absorbing the language via her adoring Spanish-speaking caretakers.

Anyway, I hope I can stick with this plan. Espero que si.

so what do I really want?

2009-10-06T11:35:00.000-07:00

The other night I had one of my recurring dreams about being friends with Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston. God, that's painfully embarrassing to admit, but I'm going somewhere with this, I promise. At least I think I am...

So, I love being a stay at home mama, but I have some serious mental demons about what others think about my choice to be a wife and mom instead of pursuing any type of career. My generation of women is supposed to be "doing it all" because our moms (and in some cases, our grandmothers) forged the path for us to have all the opportunities that we have today. I have a handful of friends who are working mothers and I both readily and humbly admit that I seriously don't know how they do it. Their schedules truly boggle my mind. I know that if I were juggling a career and my family, I'd manage. I do know that. But let me tell you - my days are full. And that's without clients or meetings or conference calls or research or classes to teach.
I cringe when someone asks me "so what have you been up to lately?" because I don't have a snappy, cogent response laden with exciting tidbits from the workplace. I'd love to be able to say, "oh, I just got back from a conference in Paris" or "I just wrapped production on a national commercial" or "I'm working with a new client on their marketing strategy" or "I am about to submit my dissertation" or "I'm writing a grant proposal" or...(you get the idea.)
More often than not, I'm with Sadie when this query arises and I find myself self consciously gesturing towards her and mumbling something like, "well, you're looking at it..." and then promptly changing the subject. I hate that I carry some weird sort of guilt or shame about "just" being a stay-at-home mom.

I follow a few blogs by women I do not know and will likely never meet. They are either total strangers or 2 or 3 times removed (friend of friend of friend). With noteworthy consistency, their posts about motherhood/womanhood totally bowl me over and this one is the most recent example of what I'm talking about.
I copied that link and sent an email to a few close mom friends of mine, asking them to read it when they got a chance. Part of what I wrote was this:
It honestly makes me want to move to Montana (or somewhere far, far away from Silicon Valley), grow a garden, learn to sew, somehow have a cool/funky part time job that I love, and...be a better mom and wife in that natural, earthy, simple back-to-basics way.
I sit in our cluttered little apartment and feel sometimes like I'm doing it all wrong.
Let me be clear - I KNOW I'M NOT. I know I'm doing great and that Sadie is loved and cherished and fed healthy food and gets out to play plenty, etc. but something about this kind of life makes me a little bit crazy with a strange type of envy that I can't quite explain.
It's not a negative envy like I used to have of the pretty/popular girls in junior high... it's an inspirational envy. A motivational envy.
But it's also an envy that leaves me feeling a little paralyzed.
It makes me ask The Big Questions like "What am I doing with my life? Really?" "How can I improve it so that I feel more successful as a mom, wife and woman?" and the big one: "What Do I Want?"

So there it is:
What. Do. I. Want?
Why is that the hardest flipping question to answer? It seriously sends me spinning. I get completely tangled in what-if land when I even casually start to ponder things like going back to school or trying to break into a field in which I have sincere interest. Hell, I can't even narrow down what I'd go back to school for, let alone whether I could hack it while trying to be a good wife and mom at the same time.
*sigh*
Most people who know me well just assume I'll do something with my Theater training. I tried teaching and it wasn't a good fit. I don't know if I have the drive and initiative to attempt running theater camps or workshops (wonderful and logical suggestions I've received more than once from trustworthy, thoughtful sources).
I suppose for now I need to just try harder to feel comfortable in the wife/mother skin that I'm in and make sure to nourish myself as well. Having gotten back onstage twice this calendar year was really good for me and I should not forget that. If I'm forced to admit what my dream job would be, I have to say that it remains the same: Actress. I used to say "famous actress" but for several years now it's been "really talented actress". (Oh, and "who is well paid and gets lots of work" would be nice, too). For better or worse, though, I have absolutely zero interest in moving to L.A. to "make a go of it." At least not in the foreseeable future.
I suppose for now I'll just have to keep dreaming that Jen, Courtney and I get together for girls' lunches to talk about what our next project will be...

pre Halloween

2009-10-04T23:42:00.000-07:00

My favorite holiday is Halloween. I try to find several fun things to do each year to celebrate this whimsical holiday and I'm delighted that Sadie is old enough to partake in the fun now.

First up: cookie decorating with friends!
I spent way too much time looking up cut-out cookie and icing recipes online and then a little too much money on supplies, but we had a marvelous time, so it was well worth it. Plus, I have extras, so we can do this a few more times with more friends. Yay!

oh, the possibilities!

the girls

hard at work

Sadie's "Monster"piece

a tray full of fun!

Doesn't this get you in the mood for a little Halloween mayhem of your own?

Leather Sneakers and Warm Chocolate Cake

2009-10-01T15:41:00.000-07:00

How did we spell
"Happy Third Anniversary?"

D-a-t-e N-i-g-h-t!
Huge thanks once again to our friends Angela and Gernot for entertaining Sadie at their house while we went out for dinner.

Prosecco

Oven Roasted Moroccan Spiced Prawns with Scallions and Lemon

A shared flight of red wines by the glass from the Rhone region

Pepper Crusted Prime Rib with Mashed Potatoes, Bacon, Spinach and Red Wine Sauce

Oven Roasted Pork Loin with Creamy Polenta and Olive Tapenade Vinaigrette

Warm Chocolate Cake with Mocha Chip Gelato

I'm not sure if my favorite thing was the warm chocolate cake or the the fact that I found the perfect 3rd anniversary present for my hard-to-buy-for honey:

(leather sneakers!)

Simple stuff

2009-09-27T15:28:00.000-07:00

My parents took Sadie for the night last night so that Andrew and I could attend a high school friend of mine's wedding. (I'm sure that sentence is a grammatical nightmare, but I'm moving on.)
It was awesome to get dressed up, go out with my honey,

see old friends,

share the special joy that is in the air at a wedding, and dance until my knees and toes were throbbing.

Even though Sadie is totally content with Grandma & Grandpa, I still always feel the tiniest bit guilty when we go out and have fun without her. She's usually the source of my daily smiles and laughter, but it's good to reconnect with Andrew and have adult conversations for several hours!

We picked her up this morning and she was an absolute ray of sunshine. She had greetings, hugs and kisses for both me and Andrew (she needed a little prompting to give Daddy some love - she's in a bit of a mama's girl phase) and showered us with tons of happy-to-see-you energy.

My dad was watching football and told us that Sadie watched with him for a little bit and then turned to him with a confused look and said, "What are those purple guys doing? They just run and then they fall down!"

I wonder what she'll think when we start her in soccer?

Counting

2009-09-23T14:05:00.000-07:00

"One, two, free, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, 'leven, twelve, firteen, sixteen, nineteen!"

for some reason that really cracked me up just now.

:)

Just Keep Swimming

2009-09-16T14:13:00.000-07:00

We've entered a new phase. Sadie turned 2 and she's changing quite a bit.

She is hung up in this contrary thing where pretty much no matter what we say to her, she insists it's the opposite. I'm talking really mundane things like,
"Mommy, this lion's tail is fluffy."
"Oh, that lion's tail is fluffy? Wow, you're right - it is."
"No, Mommy, it's not."
"It's not? Okay."
"Mommy, it is. It is fluffy."
You get the idea. It's not bratty or sassy - that's the funny part. She's totally sincere and matter-of-fact about whatever it is. Silly. It's taking me too long to learn not to take the bait. Sometimes I can't resist because I just like talking to her, no matter what the exchange is about.

She's getting more and more independent. I admit it kind of blows my mind how independent a 2 year old can be. She wants to climb into her carseat by herself, she loves to open and close doors, she brushes her teeth (even though we still do a follow up), she likes to put the straw into her juice box, etc. This morning she apparently wanted to get out of her crib, so Andrew and I were woken by the sound of a thud followed by crying. She's never done anything like this; she usually wakes peacefully and we'll hear her playing and talking to her "friends" for at least 10 or 15 minutes before she makes any indication of wanting to get out. Even though we asked her what happened and whether she tried to get out of her crib & fell, she wasn't talking. Time for a big girl bed, apparently.

Her attention span has grown - and before you muse at how observant I must be, allow me to fess up - the reason I know this is because all of a sudden she can easily sit through a 2 hour movie. At some point over the last 2 months or so, we put on Finding Nemo for her at Grandma & Grandpa's house and she's hooked. Our neighbors let us borrow one of their daughter's favorites, Madagascar, and she's equally smitten with it as well. I am not surprised; I know plenty of young families whose little ones love animated films. I just want to avoid the pitfall of it becoming a total crutch to put her in front of the TV.
I also am sticking to my guns and avoiding the Disney Princess phenomenon as long as possible. My time may be running out, though. Just last week she was delighted to find that cousin Lucy had left 6 Barbie dolls at Grandma & Grandpa's. When I explained that they were Lucy's and that she'd had to give them back, she balked. I told her we could get a doll like that if she really wanted one because she has some birthday money from GG which was specifically earmarked for such an occasion. I won't deny her if she brings it up again, but I'm also not going to remind her.

Our nighttime ritual of rocking her to Brahm's Lullaby might have numbered days. A couple of times she's opted to stand by herself and rock one of her stuffed animals instead of being in our arms. Ouch.
And today in music class, she was the only kid who didn't get into mommy's lap for the lullaby song. She wanted to stand, listen and look around the room at all of the others. Interesting.

It's amazing to watch her begin her transformation into a little girl. I know there is so much more to come, but I'm happy to take it all in bit by bit and learn how to stand back and let her develop, even if it does tug on the heartstrings a little. Like Dory in Finding Nemo says, I'll "just keep swimming."

Bye Bye Aunt Joanne

2009-09-09T21:10:00.000-07:00

Ugh.

My baby sister's flight just left for New Zealand. She's headed to Auckland indefinitely. I'm seriously in denial that I don't know when I'll see her again. I'm excited for her, obviously, but it is really hard for me to not have a solid return date. She's my girl. She's my sister who hugs me and will talk to me about anything and everything. She amuses the hell out of me, she inspires me, she's interesting and complicated and well, just cool.

Bon voyage, JoJo. I know you're going to have a great adventure.

I miss you already.